Obesidy is sickness, kids are annoying, onlyfans it not a women empowerment tool, its just digital prostitution. I don’t know if he is incel, but he is based.
Well first these are the frequent talking points of incels when they harp on what they consider “low value females”. If you find yourself constantly repeating such devaluing talking points, maybe a break from the internet would do you good. Secondly, and more generally, it is usually more attractive to talk about the things you love than the things you hate. Unless you have already established that you and the other person hate the same things, then you can bond over that too.
This. She probably wasn’t disgusted by the content, but by the form of what he said.
I can almmost guarantee this is what it is. One of those isn’t even a big deal. If I was single I wouldn’t date a single mom, not because there’s anything wrong with them but because I’m looking for a serious relationship, and I know I’m not emotionally ready to be a father and I know I never will be.
I don’t want kids for that reason. I was raised by a single mom and have seen how difficult it is. Nothing but respect for all of them out there.
I’m imagining he was an obese single dad scrolling Tinder as he was telling her this.
not having positive preferences to look for but instead having multiple dealbreakers suggests that all women are functionally the same to you except for the ones who you think are lower quality… that is to say, you are not meaningfully valuing other people
My preference is women not yet blessed with children, in good shape, and not whoring themselves out on dating apps like tinder.
It’s actually really simple to use positive language!
You said “not” twice, so…
I’m not very good at being positive I guess
Or…you tend to be negative.
Was she an obese single mom who had met your friend on tinder?
Just show me pictures and I’ll pick
“I just want a manic pixie dream girl whos never known the touch of a man but is an absolute nymphomaniac and doesn’t have sharp knees is that so much to ask???”
Saving this for when I have to describe my preference to anyone again.
There are more appropriate ways to say this:
"Nobody with kids. I might want kids some day, but I’m not ready yet, and it feels like there would be too much pressure to either be involved with her kids or be cut out of a major portion of her life until we’re really serious. And again, not ready.
And somebody athletic, since I’m into biking and hiking and other activities that require a certain level of fitness.
And… well, somebody who isn’t into the whole casual sex thing, honestly. I think sex is special and, for me, requires a strong emotional connection. I want someone who has similar views on sex."
See, I feel like it changes it when you’re not focusing on the other person, but yourself. I’m not ready for kids, I’m into fitness, I’m a demisexual. It sets up the same thing without disparaging people who aren’t what you’re looking for.
My only gripe with this is that nobody should have to defend themself for not wanting kids. If you don’t want kids then you don’t want kids and should be able to just leave it at that.
Nobody SHOULD have to explain anything. So it’s okay to not do it. but if you’re on a date, where you’re trying to put yourself out there and establish at least a friendly relationship, you probably want to be cordial and share your thoughts on the matter. Instead of just shutting down mid-date.
I don’t consider it a defense, exactly. It’s more clarification. Just saying “no kids” might suggest he doesn’t want kids ever, which would reduce the potential partners unnecessarily (and if he does want kids eventually, being paired with someone specifically because they don’t want kids would just create problems later). Saying “no kids yet” sets them up with someone who doesn’t have kids but might in the future.
This is an actualized response. In the moment a lot of people can’t pull this off, it does take practice. You’re right, of course, this is better…I just wish people would more commonly be willing to ask a clarifying question or two before pulling out the butcher’s knife.
Some folks just aren’t good with their words and may otherwise be great people. In this situation, true or not, they were talking for some time. I think that level of interaction is worth some benefit of the doubt and the tiniest bit of patience. Instead, despite hitting it off and having a great conversation, shallow lady over there judges him by a single moment amongst probably a dozen leading up to it.
…but that is how it goes. That’s the game. It’s all just a bit silly though.
This is an actualized response…
I agree with you 100%, but I’d say it’s easier than it seems. It does require practice, for sure, but I’d argue that talking like an incel also requires practice. (Lee’s assume the fictional guy in the Green text got his practice on 4Chan).
I think the thing is that bro is making a choice; whether that choice is to consciously talk about the things he dislikes in low value females, instead of just himself or what he likes (as you would do in date), or to spend his day on 4Chan, unconsciously practicing and learning how to be more like Andrew Tate.
Either way, the problem is not lack of skill, it’s the choice to do nothing or even dig in harder into poor communication skills.
Then comes the lack of appropriate feedback, without judgement, to help them realize that it is them who are turning themselves into “low-value men” if there were to judge themselves by the same measure.
Also, this is just a really negative set of statements. “I DON’T want X, Y, and Z.” Even giving anon a pretty big benefit of the doubt and assuming they didn’t state it like “No fatties,” they aren’t really saying what they want in a partner, just a bunch of standards by which they would judge somebody.
The search for a romantic partner should involve more positives than negatives. You should have ideas about what things you like in people and yourself, and what interests and activities that you’re passionate about and would like to share with someone. If you start with a laundry list of things that you don’t like, that’s not just going to be off-putting, it’s going to be limiting you to thinking only in those terms, rather than finding something that brings you joy, and finding someone that has that in common with you.
Anon is definitely not into fitness though. Probably a lard ass himself.
I like how you put this. Anon was asked requirements and all he gave were deal-breakers. It comes off as desperate, crass, or both.
Its also fake. I could rewrite the ending.
“Friends GF laughs uncontrollably at my list of dealbreakers, as she’s drunk and at a bar, not sober at a coffee shop”
“Friends gf proceeds to go around the bar posing my list to every woman, and eventually also all the men, hysterically laughing the whole time while I try to hide by the jukebox.”
That friend? Albert Einstein.
I’ll first say that from a social standpoint it makes sense to focus on yourself when asked that. But the person asked “tell me what you look for in a girl”. You would have to be pretty damn masterful at thinking on your feet to take that question and immediately flip your answers into I statements. Especially if you’re anon and obviously don’t get asked things like this a lot.
No kids is a common wish although the reason for it can make or break how fine it is to have.
My guess is that anon is overweight, and the person they were talking to was thinking of friends they had that were overweight and were great people.
Anon betrayed that their preference was a bit delusional and/or didn’t understand that it can take work to be in shape and takes it for granted that women should be expected to be fit for him without him having to do anything. That’s a pretty sour fart of an opinion.
The no dating apps thing is pretty cringe. And could certainly make you seem like a pariah to most people. It definitely betrays a sense of superiority if it’s in your top 3 dating requirements. I feel like anon knowing the word demisexual is slim to none but that would be the best thing you could say.
Actually my guess is that this is fake and anon is just stirring the hate mongering pot.
I also casually declare strangers I meet at a bar for 20 minutes to be great catches and offer up any of my single friends phone numbers. Dont you?
It’s always possible the friends were in the same league as OP
Yep, it’s all about the framing.
These are reasonable, but he’s asking in the wrong place (a pub). Not that its impossible to find someone like that in a pub, but its more difficult. If you want that type of girl, you need to earnestly be both the type of man she wants and at a place where those types of woman are found (churches, charities, college clubs, laid back social gatherings, etc etc). Don’t go to those places acting fake or overly pushy tho; that’s way worse than being your normal, imperfect self. A lot of churches are chill these days, and pastors know a random dude showing up is likely looking for a wife. Just be honest, and if it gets uncomfortable or you have a bad feeling about the place, just leave. Not telling anyone to find God, just giving ideas.
Ultimately, life happens. You might find someone absolutely perfect for you except for one of your deal breakers… And before long it seems trivial. Seen it happen. So don’t be so rigid you miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime if it crops up.
Edit: spelling.
Those not unreasonable preferences
I think the phrasing is the problem. This comes off as overly negative. If you say something more along the lines of “I am not yet ready to have kids, so I’d rather not be with someone who has them. I like women who are in good shape, and I am looking for a long term relationship.” You come off as way less of an incel.
The tinder one is though. Someone being on tinder doesn’t tell you anything about that person. Only that they’re looking for either a partner or casual sex.
Well actually…
You literally just said it tells you nothing and then listed something it tells you.
Being on tinder doesn’t tell anything new given the context of the conversation. Any single girls that anon’s friend’s gf would consider referring to our apparently-single anon would be interested in one or both of those things whether they were on tinder or not, or they hopefully wouldn’t agree to a date.
Presumably, if you’re looking for a partner, if the potential partner is looking for a partner it’s better.
This is fake but that said…
Meh, Tinder isn’t a dating app. It’s a hook up app. There are dating apps which are fine, but tinder is a hookup bar, you know the one, where the bar is empty by 12:30 am because everyone has found a friend for the night. Can you find a long term mate? Sure but odds are against you.
Or the latter leading to the former
Reasonable preferences stated in the form of red flags are still red flags.
The third one is pretty weird, it’s just the default way to meet people now.
The other two are pretty straightforward.
Tinder is the worst possible way to get to meet people, unless you’re at least a 9/10 guy or a woman who just wants to hook up, nothing more. At least that’s been my experience, both using the app and talking to friends who have. Meaningful connections are rare.
It might be a regional thing? I live in a Town known for its Technical University, so most of the people on Tinder are socially awkward and tech literate 18-25 y/os who either don’t like going to noisy places like bars, clubs etc. or just prefer texting first before committing time to a date (free time is kind of hard to make as a student here).
My own reason was more on the autistic side, as I do NOT recognize flirting unless it is specifically stated. So having an app where both parties can state “hey, we’re talking with romantic intentions here!!” was the best solution ever haha (I met my husband within 30mins of installing the app 🤷)
Hm, maybe. Where I lived, your chances were low if you’re a nerd and/or looking for something serious. Like, most people on tinder were the exact same crowd you‘d also meet in clubs. But it also wasn’t a particularly big town and most people on tinder in my age range were university students from the less nerdy faculties…
For you yes, that’s not the norm. In average cities/towns, it’s used for hook ups (shallow ones) and cheating. Can you meet a person there? Sure but odds are very much against it.
Note, I’m talking about Tinder specifically, dating apps are fine.
Well what should non-autistic people do then?
On an individual level? No idea, I have no experience with that lol
On a systemic level? The problem seems to be that people assume dating apps are only for hookups, so people who are looking for something serious avoid them. So the idea becomes true through self-validation. Breaking that cycle somehow would make everyone involved happier I think?
Can’t tell if under 20 or just socially inept.
no girls who are on dating apps like Tinder
But why tho?
A reasonable argument would be because oop sees sex as something special and would like a partner that thinks of it the same way.
In reality, oop probably thinks of woman who are on tinder as worthless sluts and doesn’t want a woman with a higher headcount than him because it bruises his ego.
I too, would be upset if my hypothetical partner had more kills than me. Excuse me, I’m the killing machine here. I’m the one who’s body is designed to rip and tear and glide through the air! You’re making me look lazy.
How dare u!
(I will almost always take the chance to make fun of the act of using “headcount” or “bodycount” to refer to the number of sexual partners someone has had.)
I also always use the term a little tongue in cheek
tongue in cheek
Giggity
Fair question! I’m guessing he views such women as sluts and beneath him.
I adore sluts over or beneath me, far too much so tbh. It is like my weakness, and it battles with my deep need for trust and loyalty. A group of friends used to call me Capt. Save a Hoe. I don’t do well with sifting through a list of people and putting myself out there. I’m not some promiscuous type at all. I am someone that tends to see the best in people and their real potential in unique ways. My rather out of the box perspective on everything in life and the way I care about people in my close social orbit tends to draw and keep potential partners that are not very good for my own needs. I have an enormous number of interests and sort of mold myself within different spaces over time. Many relationships are only effective when I have a limited range of interests and maintain certain patterns. Most of my relationships end when I am constrained from changing like this over a period of years. The ways I change and mold to different curiosities is very introverted and not an aspect I can effectively share. These are times when I need my independence and space while also having a partner open minded and willing to evolve with me. Like if I get back into hardcore cycling, she gets a bike and often comes along doing whatever it takes to rise to the challenge. Not for every ride, but to share the occasional experience. Or let’s say I get into metallurgy and casting again, or airbrushing automotive class graphics, or CAD design projects, or programming games, or robotic cat toys with microcontrollers. The thing is, I need someone that is not just able to flex to me like this, I want someone that is independently doing the same. I want to shape myself to explore with them in their unique and independent interests in any space they are passionate about. It does not matter if it is stereotypically masculine or feminine to me. I have no concern over such marketing nonsense or gendered dichotomy.
So no, it has nothing to do with how I view people on dating apps in some judgemental context. It has everything to do with a known weakness I have. I will commit myself to a cause that is unhealthy for me. I don’t put a lot of thought into myself and my interests in this area. My mind is like a little kid in wonderment at the world around me; drawing in my curiosity so much that I forget to eat. I therefore keep my distance and only take notice when someone stands out for reasons that infer they might be functionally abstracted like I am. I’ve tried other types of people to my detriment and learned that lesson hard.
U tell me
I think it’s 100% reasonable to not want to meet dating app girls
I’m old and don’t understand. Elucidate me, nerd
Not OP but:
You: Dont like Tinder girls because you are sexist and dont like “hoes”.
Me: Dont like Tinder girls because it means they gave all their private data and pictures to a big tech corpo that sells it for profit.
I know a reasonable girl that wouldn’t use Tinder in the intended way, she just made an account to see how many guys in Delhi would swipe right on her when she enabled a VPN to pretend to be in India. (Lots)
Does this count?
The answer was about 500k, I guess?
70% of users from dating are are guys, after so many misses you start getting desesperated to find someone, and India is even worse because it has more man than woman https://youtu.be/x3lypVnJ0HM
Yes, I have watched that video. She is pretty and very white and got a match for every right swipe. She never replied to their pick-up lines, making her part of the problem.
Not every woman pays for VPN just for that, she is the minority of the minority, nah
Makes sense to me, but I’m odd like anon too I guess. I won’t work for places that have an HR department for (likely) similar complex reasoning. I don’t fit the mold or follow the rules like most people in a job. Just give me responsibilities and I’ll be as reliable as if you do them yourself. I don’t handle arbitrary people and bureaucracy well. I just do what makes sense in the moment like a business owner that is very conservative. I ran my own businesses for a long time and act like the employees I wish I had been able to find. When a company has an HR department it says they are inflexible and incompetent in efficiency and abstraction. I know I will be miserable in such a place where layers are used to mask managerial incompetence and political maneuvering.
Similarly, a person that likes to shop around and date a lot says quite a bit about their ethics and mindset. I’ve never used a dating app in my life. All of my long term relationships are from friends of friends. I have no curiosity about who is out there in general or judging people based on their best sales force lies or old pictures. I am only interested in the rare people that say or do something candidly interesting when I am not expecting it; like if someone has a nerdy passionate interest or interesting quark. The average person is not interesting to me, and average people are on dating apps.
Plus, I know what I am, and I do not care to try and sell that to anyone. I would much rather the person at least have some familiarity with me beforehand. Starting off formally of calling it “dating” just sounds silly to me. Like, let’s be friends first for awhile. “Dating” puts sex in play on some kind of level. No one can think straight after that addiction starts. So, friends-first for me, and dating apps are not the kind of environment where I can find nerdy interesting friends without extra baggage and expectations.
I just say “I’ll know when I meet her.”
Could an average rowboat support her without capsizing?
I was writing a wall of text about how millenials trat me cause I have kids and my wife cause “she’s obese” got a call and I have not the energy to write it again
Imagine here was a dissenting opinion based on experience…
