Good evening Faker fanboys, one and all!

We have upgraded from the Arena waiting room last patch to the Preseason waiting room! Frankly everything you’re about to read below is utterly pointless because in 2 weeks we’re going to be shaking up (read: ruining) everyone’s balance state, itemisation, jungle paths and tax deductables.

But regardless, lets go review the notes.

AZIR

W damage decreased, soldiers now apply on-hit effects on their primary target.

We look forward to seeing how many on-hit items and runes Azir will fucking ruin with this change, perhaps he will be able to hang with the likes of Katarina and Ezreal!

BRIAR

Base health decreased. W Snack Attack damage decreased.

champion is released

champion is new and takes time to understand

champion releases with shitter winrate

champ gets buffed because everyone is crying that the champion is an int pick

champs winrate gets crazy because they were already good + players know what they doing now

dozen patches of nerfs till character is acceptable <– YOU ARE HERE

DRAVEN

R quality of life change.

Draven’s ult now returns to his body when he dies. This is not because of a buff change by us, but because even Draven’s axes want Draven to shut the fuck up about himself, and are running over his corpse to make sure he’s dead.

JANNA

Passive bonus movement speed adjusted. W cooldown decreased, targeting adjusted. R cooldown decreased.

Our last changes to Janna to make her a more interactive laner have ran into some problems, namely that we forgot that people don’t play Janna because they are capable of “meaningful interaction with the enemy”.

Whats our source for this accusation you say?

One of these changes to help these players is an improvement to W’s targeting. The point-and-click spell. Seriously.

JARVAN IV

Q cooldown increased

We are still paying for our sins of giving Jarvan a W skill worth a damn. This is proving more expensive than the Mythic Chromas we keep trying to get you to buy!

Breakout True Damage Ekko now available for you to roll lootboxes for “buy”!

K’SANTE

Another list of shit, Jesus Christ man

And lo, K’sante’s 15th appearance in a patch note in a year (and yes im counting bugfixes but fuck you).

We’ve made his Q cost actual mana in lane, nerfed his shield AND nerfed his level 6 where he actually becomes a champion. If he’s somehow still good after all this I’m going All Out on my goddamn desk.

NAAFIRI

Passive packmate damage decreased. E base damage decreased

Sometimes even dog champions need to be rebalanced so they take a slight modicum of skill to kill you.

RIVEN

Q AD scaling increased. R AD scaling increased

We have buffed Riven in the hopes of making her playable in the hands of the sane instead of just the hands of the insane onetricks.

However, with that in mind, No, No you still can’t play Riven worth a damn, go back to Darius.

TRUNDLE

AD growth increased. Q mana cost decreased

It’s Trundle’s once-per-18-months balance change! His coin came up heads this time so he gets buffed. We’re doing this at the same time as we’re heavily rewarding splitpushers with turret gold adjustments, so the fact we’re risking splitpush Trundle dominance so obviously is the real troll here.

VEL’KOZ

Passive damage increased

NOTE: This isn’t actually a buff to those of you reading this, because there’s no way a user of Reddit is hitting 3 consecutive skillshots in order to proc this passive.

ZIGGS

Base AD increased. Q damage decreased. W cooldown increased early, mana cost increased

Ziggs is continuing to insist he’s the best botlaner in the game and we’re trying to break his addiction to outpoking, outpushing and outdamaging our fragile (and fragile-minded) ADC players.

In light of recent drama, we would like to extend our condolences for the impact these nerfs will have on professional ziggs one tricks everywhere.

TURRET GOLD ADJUSTMENTS

Ok seriously, whose idea was to it to fuck with the turret gold 2 weeks before a Preseason patch where we’re changing so much other shit? Did someone just need to look busy?

What even ARE these changes?

TL;DR turrets grant less global gold, more local gold, inhib turrets now grant waaaay more local gold

Ah, I get it, the Yorick main made these changes didn’t he?

AFTERWORD

And that about does it apart from the Nexus Blitz changes no one cares about because you’ve all stopped playing that mode because your first objective spawned in the enemy’s jungle again, and the bugfixes no one reads because its not in a snappy Vandiril video for your viewing pleasure.

See you next week for Preseason where we’ll take our millionth stab at changing the Jungle, everyone’s itemisation will go to shit and top laners will still bitch about getting ganked despite the better terrain.

See you in 2 weeks!

Gentzer - I am that top laner