I’ve lived in paris for 5/6 years, I was fluent when I arrived (years of international school) and my mom had already been living here for several years. Still, it was a big culture shock and adjustment and absolutely levelled up my French to the point where now French people usually assume I am from here.
The problem is even with all that, I just don’t feel at home. Some cultural differences feel insurmountable, the blasé and critical attitude is difficult for me, I’ve always been very high energy and jokey and have a hard time finding people in everyday life who match that energy. Whenever I go back to the states I feel so fulfilled and like myself and it really makes me question why I’m here. I have a very cool job in the non-profit sector, so not super well-paid, and a very stable loving relationship, my apartment, my mom… there’s still something where I feel like I’ll never fully be accepted here. I feel like my American-ness immediately puts me down in peoples’ eyes, I feel like I will never write perfectly or totally grasp codes and it will always take me a slight extra effort to understand things that are easy for people here. I don’t get cultural references and I don’t know the clichés of every tiny town and region.
I’m from New York so I liked living here because I felt that Paris was such a better cost of living/quality of life ratio, and I love the work-life balance and accessibility of culture. However, what use are my 5 weeks of vacation if I spend half of them going back home? And probably, I always will, because my missing home will never go away, my friends and family there will keep getting married or getting sick or just being there ?
And France’s descent into xenophobic fascism is not helping. I know all the issues in the US, but it’s different, I am from there and always will be, whereas I am actively choosing to live in France and contribute to its economy.
Just feeling like the jig is up and I did what I had to do, and now I can leave. This is just venting, don’t know if anyone here can relate, if this is a bump in the road or a red alert.
I did the opposite thing, spent a couple decades in France and moved to the US 10 years ago.
Had I read your post 10 years ago I would not have understood and just moved on. However, it took me moving back stateside to realize how obnoxious the French can be - including well… myself (I am both).
They/we just don’t realize, until they spent several years outside - and only if they have the opportunity not to mingle only with French (which they/we generally seize) - so I can absolutely relate to what you are saying.
I’ve thought about this a lot, especially as to the “why”. Happy to get into more details offline but my two cents conclusion is that French have a massive superiority complex that leads to what you are experiencing. I could ramble for hours about this so I’ll just stop right there :)
I moved to the east coast for very different reasons (I did lot like working in France) and the time I spent in Paris as a kid makes me immune to most of the issues you’re facing - but I can exactly understand what you are taking about.
The decision is yours to make, but it’s a clear trade off. Everything is far from being perfect here at all. A pros and cons list generally is a great place to start - but it generally is an opportunity that represents a healthy trigger for a move. Moving back without the said opportunity would just be a retreat.