I’ve just about had it. I’ve been playing video games for almost 30 years, competitively for almost over half of that amount. I’ve dealt with the worst of the worst. I’ve gotten through it all. I’ve ignored the trolls, I’ve tried to slap on a positive attitude. I’ve done everything. I’ve tried to be a team player. I’ve tried to do my best, tried to give good callouts and other positive feedback. I try to play with my friends so that it isn’t so bad, and I can have some buddies to back me up. You know, when I’m having a bad game. I can’t ace every round, I can’t go positive every match. Shit happens. But none of that matters.

I’m always the reason we lose. I’m always the one getting yelled at and ganged up on by actual children. The most toxic of the most toxic screaming in my ear, blaming me and team killing me for every single little mistake. I’m supposed to be perfect I guess? No one has ever had a bad game before. No one I ever played with has gone negative. No one has ever failed a clutch. No, these teammates I regularly pull up with are always perfect. They can never do any wrong.

I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer a few weeks ago. The damn adenocarcinoma spread to my lymph nodes and then to my brain. I found out all of this in such a short time. I haven’t even adjusted to the shock of it yet. I’m just here now a few days after brain surgery, trying to make the most of my time and staying optimistic about life and the things I enjoy. I absolutely love Rainbow Six Siege. It is by far my most appreciated shooting game I’ve ever played. Nothing comes close to the thrill of clutching a round and winning. There’s just a perfect formula to this game that I’ve never been able to shake off. It’s what keeps me coming back. It’s what makes me “chase” that feeling, despite knowing every single night it’s only going to get worse as this community literally starts to put me in a fucking spiral. I’m trying to just continue on with my life, but I’m starting to mentally fall apart. I’m catching myself rage at the game like I never used to before. I’m starting to toss things aside on my desk and breaking down over the mic. I’m starting to let all these negative thoughts influence my mind, such as “this is the future I have to look forward to? What the fuck is the point? It’s only going to get worse. These kids are going to continue to grow into bigger toxic pieces of shit. Fuck them”

And the sad thing is, it takes only one of these moments to really ruin my day. I can have 9 fantastic matches in a row. And then I’ll decide to play just one more. And that will be the time everything comes crashing down. Anything I was able to salvage from the experience is taken away within minutes, and my psyche is ruined for the rest of the night. I just can’t deal with it anymore. How can a game that is this great be so infected with such negativity and bullshit? At its core, it’s the perfect game. At its community, I’d rather try to beat this cancer 10 times in a row than deal with another week of this shit.

I just had to vent my thoughts out here. I don’t know what the answer is. I just hope Ubisoft one day wakes up and realizes how trash the community has become over the past few years. I hope they realize who the influencers are that have created this negative space. I’m confident as hell I can beat my cancer, but I’m not confident I can continue to beat Rainbow Six Siege. Perhaps it’s time to move on.

For any of you who choose to read all of this and tell me stupid shit like “git gud” or other crap, keep doing you I guess. Enjoy your life. You have no idea how much you should appreciate the privilege of having the ability to make such comments and get away with zero consequences. One day maybe you’ll wise up to it all. Perhaps not. Stay blessed, I guess.