Beach Better Have My Money

One of the things that fascinates me about Ashley is the uptalk Valley Speak in which she upholsters her sentiments and what bemuses me about Manuel is the uneasy feeling I get looking at his face which always seems to be mocking everyone around him. He did have a small point with Ashley’s not-cheap two-coffee balancing act while simultaneously driving. Her hand dramatically lifted to her forehead as Manuel educated her. “If you drink like two or three cups a day, seven days a week: it’s a lot you’re spending. I’ve always been a person who likes to save money. Be thankful you found yourself a man who is helping you save. Say thank you man for coming into my life.” Oh, Dios Mio! “Stop talking,” says Ashley, nursing her emotional migraine, “If I spend money on two coffees, and you’re saying only one coffee I’m saving $8, the other $8 will go to gas so there’s no money to save. Manueel educated her. “If you drink like two or three cups a day, seven days a week: it’s a lot you’re spending. I’ve always been a person who likes to save money. Be thankful you found yourself a man who is helping you save. Say thank you man for coming into my life.” Girls just want to have funds. And girls need to vent; sometimes right away so Ashley called Alysia to complain in English about the very man sitting beside her – a particularly insensitive move for a bruja, and predictably, Manuel is chuffed. “She has no self-control and now she talks to her friend as if I’m not here. And above all that, speaking English knowing I don’t understand it. It stresses me out that she doesn’t consider me in that sense.”

In the shop, while making their own scented candles, a well-meaning and overstepping couple, Alysia and Solly question him about his dual but unequal allegiance to both his family and Ashley. He’s going to provide for whatever his family back in Ecuador needs meaning Ashley has a monthly $300 nut to shoulder and is only now feeling the weight and heft of Manuel’s responsibility to his family. And how does Manuel feel about his woman taking this on? “On one hand, I feel bad because it’s her money which she’s worked for. She’s helping me now and I know with time, I will help her,” while really wanting to say, “these people are dumb and stupid. My life is none of their business. Worry about your life and leave mine alone with my future wife and that’s it. I made $600 back home and if I need to spend more on my family; if my mom or brother gets sick, I will give to them. Okay? Chill. Her vet visit cost $130. Spending more on pets than humans. You take better care of a cat and a dog than a human being,” and disgusted, he walks back to the crib. Not to mention that later may never come. Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Bend Over and Keep Quiet

Clayton coddles those Guinea pigs as intensely as Prince Rainier courted Grace Kelly. There was something both endearing and peculiar in the way he toweled off his pet and puzzling when he made Anali clean the cages because of his allergies. Who cleaned them before she came, then? Anali didn’t travel this far to take care of pets. While Mom sits, legless, in her closet, the couple are going to pick apples in a childhood orchard to which Brandi, Clayton’s overprotective sister invited them to make peace. I felt every bit of Anali’s mother, Dora’s loneliness who, in delicate health for the past 8 years with diabetes, arthritis and osteoporosis, laid no guilt on her daughter but only wished her happiness and that distressed Anali. “I’m a bit sad, to be honest, because I have to choose between family or love. I have only one mother, but I can find another boyfriend,”- a t-shirt worthy motto.

Brandi is visibly uncomfortable with making nice and has her back turned to her brother and Anali with just enough color in her face to register and assimilate what non-submissive Anali is telling her about the difficulty of leaving her mother and Peru. Brandi blames information overload on her shitty attitude instead of distancing herself enough from her feelings to simply notice the feeling rather than letting it mentally impact her. She still nurses doubts but is wisely keeping them to herself.

In the hotel for some desperately needed alone time, Clayton’s lack of sex has caused him to be overworked and underfucked. Our man really knows how to set the stage for romance style: electric candles to set the move with the overhead fluorescent lights still on, lotion for locomotion, a Rubiks cube for the Runner Up prize just in case a Barney Fife provocatively inviting pose didn’t put Anali in the mood. It did make her laugh at Clayton on the bed who “thought he looked like a model,” but regrettably, looked more like a cow all splayed out.

Question: What are blue 🥜?

Definition: When a guy is ready to make babies, but the girl doesn’t want to, the testicles turn blue. I would like to show them to you.

Response*:* Why do some people say grow some balls? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna’ be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding. Betty White

Just In a Botox State of Mind

As Nikki and Justin drive through a bucolic pastoral scene, all Justin can say is, “Here is first time I saw cows **** each other in my life.” Nikki is nonplussed and as they pull up, she says,” It’s still the wrong energy to go see his family after we had a huge blowup in the car.” “It’s a small space with Daniel, stepfather, dog, Jessica Delilah, and Maia, mom who has pulled out the stops for a European dinner, and whose hair bears a passing resemblance to Nikki’s. Maia’s welcome hugs seem more than effusive, and Nikki is patently uncomfortable, but it does work out since then was then and now is now. When Justin returned from the U.S. the first time, it took him two years to overcome all the stress, so mom worries but she realizes that individuals have to be who they are and it’s easier now than before, but mom still needs a time-out outside. After Nikki thanks Maia for keeping their pictures and not closing her heart, Justin explains that this was the work he did – seeding and nurturing the blossoming flower of understanding to mature growth. Nikki, head bowed with a face that looks like it’s recovering from a stroke, strokes his thighs with pointed nails longer than my gel pen, murmurs, “I will try not to be so difficult,” to which Justin replies, “Oh, I will be happy so much. Big exhale from his heart.” I’ll get over it; I just need to be dramatic first.

You’re My Little Princess and This Is An SOS

Rob’s makeup gift to Sophie is a beach Airbnb with an indoor bathroom that’s crying out for a reno. He’s trembling with anxiety that this gesture will not completely win her over. Sophie doesn’t need material things, just kindness. She’ll forgive but she won’t forget. “I’m still going to check your phone.” He implores her, crinkling his too-perfect eyebrows, “If you remember the past, don’t forget the future and our potential if you just love me. I wouldn’t jump off a building for you, but I would Hobbit in a hole in the ground.” Absolution isn’t as simple as 5 Hail Mary’s so Rob will have to sweat it out. Sophie goes out to talk to her mum who is planning to visit in the next few weeks. Mom is slightly disappointed she’s still with Rob the Knob but delightfully surprised that her enterprising daughter has been tracking Rob’s phone for the last 3 years without his knowledge. If that isn’t enough stress, Sophie’s admission of her bisexuality will be sure to deepen Rob’s insecurity. Blending is my cardio.

Piggy

No other Asians and no bushes to hide behind when you unknowingly insult your hosts. You sound better with your mouth closed.

I Get It Because I Had One and You Had One and It’s Fair, But . . .

Jasmine’s an archeologist digging up the layers of Gino’s detritus and making him answer for it. When she comes back from the salon, preternaturally calm, you just know the shit is about to hit the fan. “I would love to know what you did the day before I arrived in the U.S.” “I didn’t go out.” “What about you spending time with Dana and Anthony”? Gino chooses the familiar disingenuous face to present to his lovely.” The bachelor party? Yeah, what’s up with that”? Jasmine is a guillotine just waiting for Gino’s head to fit into the crossbeam so she can guide the heavily weighted knife to fall upon and slice through Ginos’s neck. “Why didn’t you tell me”? “Uh, well, I actually didn’t want you to be pissed off or upset preparing to come to the U.S. which to me is very normal. I wasn’t going to tell you unless you asked.” Jasmine is becoming incensed. “How would I ask about it? How would I know? Been there and done that Gino interrupts. “I went with my family. It was a family night. Big deal, to a strip club. I didn’t even ask for any dances. I didn’t touch any girls. Perhaps, being a horsie didn’t count since Jasmine has ridden him a lot harder than any graceless high-school dropout dancer with a feather duster of a whip could, and ass patting doesn’t count as insertion. “Why are you upset about this? Now, Jasmine turns on the crankcase of tears. “It’s your frickin’ attitude and it has been the same for three fucking years. I always have to discover something from other people. I’m upset because you lie all the time. I don’t want to marry you, Gino.” He shrugs even as the ring lands on the rug. “That’s up to you. You’re way out of control. I think you need some help is what I think.” “I need a ticket back to Panama.” Gino calmly states, “You’re acting like I cheated on you.” That’s the way it feels,” she cries, “I’m tired of having to tell you I’m sorry for the way that you make me feel.” Gino fires back, “I don’t want you here if you’re this angry.” “I’m not gonna’ do any ****with this man. I made a big, the biggest mistake.” And Gino isn’t wrong when he says, “She’s always threatening to leave; it’s getting too much.” Oh, look! Nobody gives a shit!