This is a translation from escorenews.com
Not all stories about an esports career end with a happy ending: sometimes trying hard does not bring satisfaction and reward, and the path to the top turns out to be too thorny. For example, like the hero of today’s open letter. Ilya “GIGA CHEL” Daletsky, also known as LIL SORRY, decided to admit to trying to matchfix. In an open letter to eScoreNews, the eSports player told how he earned feelings of guilt and auto-aggression by doing 322, and not mountains of gold.
I’m the biggest loser among all 322-players, who else can boast of this? It’s just part of my story. I want to understand what my future paths of development are, and I’m ready for anything. I also want to reveal this in order to get out of dependence on other people’s approval; overcome the fear of judgment and the fear of appearing weak. If this letter went out into the world, it means that I managed to integrate it within myself.
As far as I remember, these are all the cases where I took part in 322. But if suddenly someone writes what happened and provides proof, I will not deny it. But know that for this I definitely received zero rubles (laughs).
I’ll start with the first story. It was 2017-2018, I was invited to play a random match. I thought: “Oh, I’ll put 5k rubles against me.” The game still didn’t end, and at one point I thought: “Damn, the enemies are such *** [bad players], they don’t deserve to win,” and in the end I won, wasting my money.
The second time - two cases at once. This was my first earnings at 322 - my teammate and I were offered to lose First Blood. A guy contacted one of us, we came to an agreement, and then it was a funny situation. The match begins, we already know that we are losing FB, and our teammate says: “Guys, go smoke.” We are walking in a smoke, we have already sat down on the ass… But this guy who suggested smoke is found and killed. So we were like, “Haha, we didn’t even have to do anything.” Then I earned my first 13 thousand rubles at 322. Considering that I was already in the red by 5 thousand, in the end I was in the green by 8 thousand.
At the same tournament on another day, we agreed with the same teammate, I will not name the event or nicknames. Our bettor said that one of the mafia bosses was betting that our opponents would win (the odds at the bookmakers had dropped significantly). That is, most likely, people from other accounts will go there and *** [smurf]. He also bet against us and said: “Lose.”
I ask the mafia boss: “Are you sure you’ll have some other dudes [playing against us]?” He answered “No.” The guys and I got confused and started making a fuss. We asked him for the guys to log into their accounts and agree on a terms. He agreed.
We play this match, together with our teammate we ruin it, and these dudes just beat us like slowly, just barely. So barely that the match is marked as suspicious and bets are cancelled. I earn 0 rubles and am amazed at why I even agreed to this.
The next case is a completely random tournament in desperation with lilskrip [banned player]. Let’s assume that it was just the two of us who fixed. We “worked” for about 5-6 matches. I don’t know whether I was deceived or not, but lilskrip said that the bettor entered *** [wrong] and did not deposit the money, so for this tournament I received classical 5 thousand rubles. In total, we have 13 thousand rubles [~140$ as of today] in total, earned for 322.
Then there was also a stupid story with lilskrip related to acc-sharing. There was an idea: dudes would login to our accounts and win qualifications, so that we could “work” at the tournament later. But they sucked in a couple of qualifiers in a row, lost to players who had rank 1000, and that’s it - that’s the end of the story. I don’t know if this is punishable at all, but it’s just very stupid and funny, so I’m sharing. I could have won this qualifier myself, why was this circus organized?
The last and dumbest incident was with Sensibility - it happened at EPL S2 as part of Esports Club Grozny. The team and I discussed that at first we would try hard, and if it doesn’t work and we suck at everyone, then after discussion we’ll go 322. I remember now that we repeatedly said: “We have nothing to do with Sensibility.” This phrase was in the air, everyone said it five times. I would like to note that the team management was completely unaware of what was happening during the entire situation.
The funny thing is that we initially agreed on the match in question that we would not fix it 100%. Literally at the start of the first game, either the lights or the Internet turn off for speedy. Is it really disconnected or was it an excuse - I don’t know. I can only say that we didn’t specifically discuss 322 with speedy. It happens, and everyone is like, “Who are we going to call to replace him?” And someone says: “Let’s ask Sensibility!”
I thought: “Hmm, he seems to play well,” and what’s funniest and stupidest is that it didn’t even occur to me that he would do 322 in this game. Sensibility comes in and is immediately told: “Don’t fix.” He was like: “Yes, of course, guys, no problem. Now I’ll only bet on even or odd.” And the game is already going, everyone is just sitting in *** [shock]. No one knows what to do at the moment. It dawned on me after the games that I just had to leave. But I didn’t do this, so I take full responsibility for this incident.
There were suggestions that he was fixing this game, but it’s unclear. We tried [to win], but we sucked. At one point he says: “Well, guys, let’s write “gg”, so the bet [even or odd] works?” We were definitely losing already, so we decided to agree.
In the second game, he also put down even and odd and said that the game should end at night. The funny thing is that I sit and understand that I want to win, I try. And he obviously won’t do anything if we don’t go finish it at night. We can’t win a fight without him, he made a lot of impact. And I: “Okay, we’re waiting for the night, otherwise some people won’t play.”
We won this map, both bets went in. On the third there was trash. The dude whose account was visited says: “Sensitivity, can you not ruin it? I see what you are doing." He didn’t tell us that he had a bet against us, no one knew anything, and everyone just sat in shock. And then he says: “Guys, relax, I’ll send you some money.” We asked him not to matchfix it, but at one point he went straight to ruin it. I say: “Calm down, we’ll win without him.” Then he just buys back and breaks his items, and his teammate writes “GG”.
Of course, Sensibility didn’t send anything. But it didn’t matter whether he would throw it off or not, I just wanted to forget this situation like a bad dream and never get involved in something like this again. Later, for a year, I was also offered to work with lilskrip, Sensibility, Imba4, but I refused.
After that incident, I realized that I was betraying myself when I did this. I trust the universe, and it showed me: “You don’t need to go there, Ilyukha.”
Even if I received 13 thousand bucks for the “work” instead of rubles, they would not have made me happier. Especially over a long distance. I just realized today that I’m ashamed to admit it, and I just discovered that I’m afraid of being judged. Face 322 popping up. And I was like, “Why the fuck am I even afraid of this?” I have it, I’m ready to face it. You can hide from yourself as much as you like, but I don’t want to anymore.
Even if this situation affects what is left of my career - these are the burnt coals that I am now trying to resurrect… If I am banned, I will live with peace of mind and look for what to do in life, since this is the path will be blocked. If they don’t ban me, I never want to do 322 again and I won’t, I’m sure of that. I’m more than ready to try myself on the pro scene. I want this and I understand that I can do it. This is an important revelation for me now.
[Why do people do this?]
I am one of those people who lived in abundance - everything was okay with me. So in my case it wasn’t about money. Every time I played 322, I felt incredibly disappointed in myself. I was definitely at an emotional low during these moments. It was something like: “Damn, well, if I somehow make some money, maybe it will help me.” I didn’t get anything from Dota, even though I spent all of myself. I’ve never been on a salary [in Dota], so I thought: “Well, can I at least get something, please? Give me at least a little money." It was naive to believe that something from the outside could close such a big hole inside.
I was tired of sitting in one place - it was despair and disappointment in myself. I couldn’t do anything, but I wanted to, but it didn’t work out, so what to do? Well, let’s at least do this. I didn’t want to do this at all, but I couldn’t find myself in anything else. That’s how I saw it then—great pain brought me to this. I want to summarize that I am in no way a victim of circumstances. This has always been my choice. I definitely don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, because I’ve dealt with this and am ready to take responsibility.
Maybe some of the youth will read it, and when they are at an emotional low, they will at least understand what is happening to them. As I grew up, I realized that you should always choose the path to yourself. In my case, I was dependent on what I received in Dota - approval, success, and so on.I thought I = what I achieved in Dota. In this sense, I was not with myself and my personal pain.
I would advise all people in such a situation to learn to live with themselves and love themselves unconditionally, and not take success in Dota or anything else outside as a measure. The way out is through the inside. I’m 23 now, and I’ve gradually gotten rid of self-aggression - it turns out that it was always in the background. Living without self-love and constantly being fed from the outside (becoming more and more dependent on it) is difficult.
If a person finds himself in such a situation, most likely he is dissatisfied with himself. Therefore, we must learn to provide themselves with approval, love, security and acceptance from within. Now I can say that I have learned. It turns out that this is quite possible. I was offered money, with which I thought I could cover my pain, one way or another. But it turned out that you can close it yourself, even without money or anyone else.
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