⚠️Warning: this post is quite long⚠️

Nuggets: backed by another strong year from the 2x MVP, the Nuggets dominate the regular season and end up as the one seed. Jamal Murray has a breakout year and finally gets his first all-star appearance. Another unstoppable playoff run results in back to back Finals MVPs for the Joker.

Celtics: Tatum has his best year as a Celtic, finishing top 3 in MVP voting. New additions like Porzingis and Jrue bolster the team’s firepower. A myriad of offensive weapons, combined with a stifling top-5 defense, lead the Celtics to the best record in the East. After years of deep playoff runs but always falling short, the Jays are finally able to get over the hump en route to the Celtics’ 18th title.

Bucks: The Giannis/Dame pairing proves deadly. As the top duo in the league, with both players finishing top 10 in MVP voting, no team is a match for them. They send the rival top-seeded Celtics packing in the ECF off the back of a Dame Time buzzer beater, before winning the finals for the Bucks’ second ring in 4 years.

Suns: Durant, Booker, and Beal? Now that’s just not fair. The three headed monster makes opposing defenses look silly, and no team has as answer. A barrage of elite shooting and potent shot creation carries the Suns through both the regular season and playoffs, winning the franchise’s first championship in their 55 year history.

Lakers: Without poor roster construction and an aging Westbrook’s mammoth contract weighing them down, the Lakeshow are able to regain their form from 2020. Although Lebron starts to finally slow down with age, AD picks up the slack in dominant fashion, winning DPOY and finishing top-3 in MVP voting. A delightful pairing of complimentary pieces provide the perfect championship recipe, resulting in an 18th title baked to perfection.

Warriors: With the Warriors’ HOF core, they’re always a contender. Newcomer Chris Paul generates constant open looks for the most lethal shooting duo in history. Young up-and-comers like Moody and Kuminga finally take the leap Dubs fans have been hoping for, and a 5th ring in 10 years cements the Curry Warriors as one of the greatest dynasties of all time.

Clippers: Paul George and Kawhi Leonard stay healthy the whole season. Enough said.

76ers: Morey finally gets the Harden trade done, and flips the returning picks to net 76ers some nice role players. Embiid gives the fans a thundering encore to his MVP season. Combined with an all-star jump from Tyrese Maxey, Philly finally overcomes their playoff woes and proves all the haters wrong by ending a 40+ year long championship drought.

Heat: Come playoff time, Jimmy Buckets is always a man on a mission. But the team around him just hasn’t been quite enough. An All-NBA leap for Bam Adebayo takes the Heat to the next level. Despite only finishing as the 4 seed, the Heat fire off another Cinderella run, culminating in an improbable Finals victory.

Grizzlies: Coming back from suspension, Ja Morant is a new man. The only thing he’s shooting is the 3 ball, and despite not being eligible for the MVP, he certainly plays like one. JJJ reigns in back-to-back DPOYs, and Desmond Bane makes his first all-star game. The young Grizzlies team takes the next step en route to an NBA championship.

Pelicans: When Zion is healthy, he’s unstoppable. He trades out Dunkin Donuts for dunkin’ basketballs, and proves why he was worthy of the #1 overall pick in an MVP-winning campaign. Fellow All-Star Brandon Ingram carries the torch as the next Slim Reaper, and the young duo leads their team to a surprising Finals victory.

Knicks: Motivated to succeed in spite of the mean nicknames, Dubious Handle becomes Victorious Randle (sorry). The former All-NBA second teamer steps up his game by improving both his ball control and his 3pt shooting to become a bonafide superstar. RJ Barrett takes a much-anticipated leap of his own, winning Most Improved Player, while Brunson makes his first All-Star game. The Knicks’ big three ends up rivaling that of the Suns, and Spike Lee dies a happy man after witnessing a Knicks championship.

Kings: Light the Beam! After tasting the playoffs for the first time in a decade and a half, the Kings are hungry for more. De’Aaron Fox leads the way as a front runner for MVP. Sabonis continues to play at an All-Star level, while EuroLeague MVP Sasha Vezenkov has no problem transitioning to the big leagues and wins ROTY handily, solidifying himself as one of the best shooters in the world. After winning the title, the mayor signs a proclamation to keep the beam running for the rest of time. Sacramento hospitals fill up rapidly as men flood the emergency room after 4 hours.

Cavaliers: Cavs fans have been waiting for Evan Mobley to take that next step, and that he does, winning MIP. All-NBA second team for Mitchel and another All-star appearance from Garland skyrockets the Cavs to the top of the eastern conference. After signing some shooters in the off-season, Cleveland is primed to make a deep playoff run, winning their first title since Lebron’s departure against the Western Conference Champion Lakers. How poetic. After the season ends, LeBron decides to make his second return to Cleveland on a cheap deal.

Thunder: OKC is the most promising young team in the league, there’s no doubt. And with so much talent on the roster, this team has no ceiling. With SGA winning an MVP, Chet edging out Wemby for ROTY, and JDub and Giddey playing like borderline All-Stars, there’s just too much firepower for the rest of the league to overcome. The day after winning the title, with all his players at an all-time high trade value, Sam Presti trades the entire roster away for nothing but first round picks, before dying tragically from FRP overdose. Addiction is no joke, folks. OKC now has 57 first round picks over the next 7 seasons.

Mavericks: After hitting rock bottom and tanking to avoid the preseason, Luka comes back with a vengeance, winning the MVP. Kyrie returns to All-Star form, and by trade deadline the Mavs are, uh, 7th in the west? Shit, that’s right, you need a defense to win games. Instead of trying to get a better defense, Cuban decides he needs more offense. Using advanced de-aging technology from a startup he invested in on Shark Tank, Cuban is able to revert Dirk Nowitzki back to his prime. With prime Luka and prime Dirk, the league is fucked. Who needs defense anyway? The Mavs win game 6 to take home the trophy. Final score: 206 : 187

Hawks: We all know Trae is one of the most deadly offensive players in the game right now. His ability to score at will and dish out assists makes him a valuable asset. Sadly, there are two sides to basketball. Luckily, the Hawks have come up with a solution: trade for Matisse Thybulle. By duct-taping them together back to back, they quickly become the best player in basketball. Trae plays on offense, then turns around and lets Thybulle play defense. The Hawks petition the league to let them count as a single player. Adam Silver, seeing the potential for increased viewership, allows it. Matrae Youngbulle wins a unanimous MVP, leading their team to a ring.

Timberwolves: Seeing the success of the Hawks’ new strategy early on in the season, the Timberwolves take inspiration by duct-taping Gobert and KAT back to back. The only thing more unstoppable than an otherworldly offensive point guard combined with an elite defensive wing, is a DPOY caliber center combined with a power forward who can stretch the floor and score at will. Oh, and they have Anthony Edwards. The TWolves come out on top against the Hawks in the finals.

Nets: At one point in time, Ben Simmons was seen as the future of the NBA. Sadly, he just never the willingness to shoot. We’ve all seen the gym videos of him draining deep 3s and thought, what if? During a game early in the season, Simmons takes a hard foul and falls and hits his head. When we comes to, he completely forgets his aversion to shooting the ball. Turns out, he could shoot just fine all along. He instantly becomes the best player in basketball. Elite defender, great slasher, natural playmaker, and deadly shooter. With Mikal Bridges taking another leap as well, the Nets cruise to a title.

Jazz: In the hopes of some divine intervention, every member of the Jazz converts to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (aka Mormons). Replacing their practices and workouts with prayer sessions and scripture study, the players and coaches attain a higher level of enlightenment and connection with God. And their dedication to the Lord our Savior did not go unnoticed. Jesus Christ himself descended from the heavens, and behold, a new 11th Commandment was bestowed unto them: “Thou shall ball hard and hoop well.” Jesus said, “This message is from my Father. Heed its wisdom, and you shall reap the rewards.” With the power of Christ on their side, the Jazz began shooting a perfect 100% from the field and allowed 0 points per game, winning the title easily.

Pacers: We all know Tyrese Halliburton is a dawg. Benedict Mathurin and Obi Toppin are also dawgs. They also have Jarace Walker. I’m seeing a trend here. The front office also saw this trend, and shipped everyone else out for a bunch of pit bulls and kane korsos. A team full of dawgs, complete with a dawg walker. Imagine trying to dribble the ball with a rabid canine yapping at your heels. Not to mention, dogs are great at fetching balls, they’re fast, and they have great leaping ability. Move over Cleveland, there’s a new Dawg Pound in town. Unlike the Browns, however, the Pacers actually have playoff success, winning their first championship.

Magic: Realizing their team fucking sucks, Orlando decides to pay homage to their namesake and delve into the mystic arts. After teaching their players a variety of spellcasting and witchery, the Magic cannot be beat by powerless commoners. A simple “Accio ball” generates turnover after turnover. A powerful hex freezes defenders in their track. A flick of the wrist levitates the ball right into the hoop. After a 16-0 playoff run, the Minister of Magic Commissioner of the NBA, Adam Silver, declares that magic is too OP and bans it from the game. Back to the basement for Orlando. It’s a shame the Wizards never caught on while it lasted.

Raptors: After some disputes involving the borders, tensions begin to rise between the United States and Canada. All out war breaks out, and somehow Canada comes out on top, annexing the entire continental US. As punishment for their crimes, Canada takes away what every American cares about the most: the success of their sports teams. By letter of the Canadian law, all best players in the league are traded to Toronto to form the world’s greatest super team. An 82-0 season and 16-0 postseason later, the Raptors are your NBA champions.

Chicago Bulls: After years of fucking over the Hornets by being a shitty executive, Jordan realizes he’s really only good at playing basketball. He decides to come out of retirement for the third time, and despite being 60 years old, somehow continues to tear up the league. After three-peating for the third time (a three-squared peat, if you will), and settling the GOAT debate once and for all by knocking Lebron and the Lakers out of the finals 3 times, MJ retires for the fourth time for the production of Space Jam 3. 2 Space Jams > 1 Space Jam. Take that lebron stans.

Rockets: When trade talks with LA fall through, Harden ends up back in Houston. After bringing back Mike D’Antoni, the two get together to formulate a new basketball strategy: ultra-iso ball. In this new system, Houston runs a lineup of Harden and 4 of the league’s best defenders. The defenders sit back on defense 100% of the time, while Harden runs the offense alone. Every single play is an iso, with harden having a 100% usage rate. This revolutionary offense takes the league by storm, resulting in a Houston ring. Harden celebrates by turning Toyota Center into the world’s largest strip club for the entire offseason.

Spurs: Victor Wembanyama has had unreal hype leading up to his NBA debut, and so far through the preseason, he has not disappointed. For a player like Wemby, calling him a unicorn doesn’t do him justice. That’s why fans have taken to calling him an alien. Turns out, there was more truth to that than people thought. Days before the season starts, Wemby reveals his true nature as an extraterrestrial. He hails from an alien planet whose entire society revolves around basketball. Over time, his species has evolved into the perfect basketball-playing organism. Members of his race have been sent out across the universe, dominating the local fauna’s top basketball leagues. There is simply no hope for mankind. Wemby will win every NBA title until the league disbands, before flying off into space in search of his next victims opponents.

Trail Blazers: The Blazers ended up making the best move of the off-season. No it wasn’t drafting Scoot. It was signing Robert Williams III, a.k.a. Timelord. Using his god-gifted ability to alter the fabric of space time, along with the Eye of Agamotto, Timelord is able to move himself and all of his young teammates forward into their primes. Having players like Scoot, Sharpe, Simons, all in their prime and on rookie deals turns the Blazers into a super team, winning the championship with ease.

Pistons: With the fifth pick in the 2023 NBA draft, the Detroit Pistons selected Ausar Thompson. Looking promising in the preseason, they trade for his twin brother, Amen. They both seemed to improve dramatically. The Pistons then decided to trade for every twin in the league. Brook and Robin Lopez, Markieff and Marcus Morris, Justin and Julian Champagnie, Caleb and Cody Martin, and Kris and Keegan Murray. Together, they used their twin powers to combine into one superhuman, similar to Voltron. Being 15 feet tall and weighing just over 2,500 pounds, even the biggest centers in the league were no match. It made Boban look like a toddler. Needless to say, they won the 2024 NBA championship with ease.

Wizards: Emergency sirens begin sounding all across the globe. A catastrophic meteor that had gone undetected by astronomers is barreling towards Earth, and there’s nothing we can do to stop it. Upon entering the atmosphere above the continental United States, it splits into hundreds of smaller pieces, and hellfire rains down upon the North American continent. The utter destruction wipes out 85% of the major cities on the continent, including the practice facilities of 29 NBA teams. The only NBA city to avoid the devastation? Washington D.C. As the sole survivors of the National Basketball Association, the Wizards become the de facto NBA Champions. Despite not having an opponent, Jordan Poole still managed to shoot only 37% from the field in the finals on 23 shots per game. While the rest of the world wallows in pain and misery, Wizards fans sleep easy knowing they’re the best team in the league.

Hornets: They can’t.