Thank you for sharing. Does that change at all if we are not currently at a workplace as in a company, but it is still a professional career-oriented program? I’m really not sure where else I am supposed to find a partner if not at a place where everyone is around the same age and well-rounded, especially when there’s this time constraint. Dating is difficult!

I agree, thank you for sharing!

I know it’s confusing but I feel the need to clarify after reading your comment. Thank you for sharing first of all. It was not that I wanted to exclude her due to competition over him. In fact, I asked him enthusiastically wanting to know who he liked at that time, and therefore who he was considering bringing in. We were basically bros at that point and I hadn’t thought of him that way at all. He didn’t want to speak too soon and said he’ll see how things unfold. I actually figured it out later on, when she was flirting with one of the guys from our group, and vice versa. He saw all of this and looked pretty bummed. So I would be a hypocrite if I expected drama free space with the bros yet actively instigated drama, which I do not believe I am? Just trying to understand, based on the definition of hypocrisy.

So, should I tell them the truth? Or at least the one I like? I did mention that I spent more time with them in the past before I had a chance to branch out more and meet new people which is what I always like to do.

Thank you so much! I’m afraid the updates might change your take? It’s a personal group text with all of them, and it’s getting weird. I don’t know how to salvage this. I want to be friends and stay professional overall, while tapping into potential with the guy I like, but then again I don’t know if it’s time for me to just distance myself from the group. He also doesn’t really text me individually and hasn’t asked me to spend time one on one, so I fear the group text prevents this.

Please see updates in the post. I would really appreciate your advice here!

Thank you for sharing. I’m worried about the extremely awkward conversation I had with Bob and that he will harp on that rather than the hugs thing when talking to his friend. That conversation sent everything in a spiral and became this huge pain point that can undermine my friendship with his friend (most important to me out of all this), more than the hugs themselves. Ugh I hate that this happened and am afraid of the consequences or that it’ll change all dynamics. Won’t his friend feel like I’m hiding something or not being honest if I don’t proactively communicate with him? Or, would this be a don’t tell if he doesn’t ask? Is it more likely that bringing this up will open a new box of problems and backfire?

Thank you for sharing. I’m struggling because his friend is one of my closest friends, and I don’t want to jeopardize that. I feel like I did start to get emotionally attached during my deep conversation with his friend yesterday. Do you think it’s not a good idea because they’re such best buddies and will put bro code above me? Should I talk to his friend today when we’re one on one in person? If so, what should I even say without obliterating all potential of friendship developing into something more with him (the friend)? There are a lot of politics here too so whatever happens, we all need to at least be on good terms with each other.

I am so uncomfortable because of the new developments! He not only called but Facetimed me, and obviously does not want to have a trail. I am glad he ignored the reply I sent back via work email at the time but I thought that was it and he has resurfaced. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!

Thank you for your advice. I want to so badly but I’m so afraid they will retaliate and slander my name especially because I’m not sure what my next career steps are and that could jeopardize future opportunities in the same line of work. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!

Thank you for your advice. I liked your suggestion and did exactly this, even including a more distant salutation and explicitly saying “Farewell” whereas in my mass email to the whole group, I stated this isn’t Farewell. He ignored my email thankfully, however he has called me again recently after I met Ann to thank her for her help. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!

Thank you so much for your advice. I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to come back to this post but there have been recent developments and not good ones. I like your advice to reply from my work email address and ultimately did so. Thankfully he ignored, and then I left the firm, thinking that was it. I did meet with Ann since I kept delaying a proper thank you and felt she still deserved that for helping me out. I briefly mentioned that in an ideal world, I would’ve had calls with more people before leaving, and that in reality I wanted to keep it very low-key so it was unnecessary for people to keep reaching out especially when I wasn’t even that close to them. She immediately took this as some sort of reference that it was ok for Ned specifically to call me AGAIN and I know she blabbed every detail to him as well as the other tough coworker in my post (let’s say Al). She asked if I called Al before leaving and I said yes and did that due to: 1) Al respectfully and explicitly suggested it well in advance, 2) I like and respect him, 3) we were working on the same project - none of which I can say about Ned. So Ned not only called me in the morning the next day which is a holiday - he had the audacity to FaceTime me. And why the fuck is he not sending a text or email at all? Why the fuck does he think he can just call out of the blue, especially after I have left the firm and have given the cold shoulder multiple times? The reason this is bothering me so much is that I want to be on good terms in case I go back to that line of work at some point. And they are all a toxic as shit package deal - Ned complains to Ann who spreads the word to all their little sycophants including this previous member of the group who left before me but is very well-connected and I fear she will snitch on me to a potential future company in the same profession. What should I do now? It is causing me anguish and I want to keep options open, however can I do that by ignoring him and can someone jeopardize someone else’s job offer with slander??

I agree, thank you! I started doing that when he was harassing me about printing months ago. It was such a ridiculous question. He asked me where in the office the printers are. They are literally everywhere. And he has been there before. There is a huge map at the entrance. Also I was not even on the floor, nor am I Maintenance. I emailed back something like “I missed the text you had sent on the weekend. There are printers near each of the supplies areas on the floor.”

Thank you! How should I phrase it to be professional yet assertive? I admittedly sometimes sound “nice” when I’m trying to set boundaries but clearly that hasn’t been working with him and he does not seem to respect me.

I do think that was likely what happened. And also true that it isn’t good for dating and he might benefit from some more self-work. Thank you!

Thank you for one of the more thorough responses addressing my questions. It really helps. One part though that I’m wondering relates to your 1st sentence: what are your thoughts on his behavior at the coffee shop? Do you think that’s strange and rude? I added more context in my comment above as it may not have been clear in the post

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, it really means a lot. I like the analogy very much and will remember that. It was the first time I heard this analogy and it is refreshing to think from new perspectives.

Thank you so much for your input. So sorry to hear what you’ve had to go through! It really puts everything into perspective and I hope you are doing better each day. You seem like a very strong person who can hold his own without feeling the need for a partner the way I feel due to societal pressures, and I respect that.

A lot to think about and reflect on, I appreciate it. For the question in your comment, is it essentially asking if I would date someone who asked me to do long distance in the event the roles were reversed? Or was it more like would I proceed with the long distance relationship if I convinced myself to try for it and asked the other person if they wanted to do that with me?

Thank you so much for the thoughtful insight! It’s funny in a not so funny way how growing up I was like of course I will eventually settle down, get married, and procreate. Probably meet a “one” by 22, 23 and marry a few years later. Yeah that sounds like a great plan. And then reality hit, including a pandemic. Long story short, I’m not sure if I want kids and can’t fathom all the work that comes with that but I’m also not closing the door on it.

8 billion humans yet the ones I’ve tried loving were either emotionally unavailable, looking for something different, or a narcissist (most recent and hurt the most even after all the other boys). It almost makes me wonder if I’m incompatible with a relationship.

I appreciate the safe space and validation to forget what I think I should do and prioritize what I want to do. I probably sound really dark about this topic but it helps having support from kind samaritans like you. We’ll see what happens. If you don’t mind me asking, did this all work out for you? Winding road or fairly easy?

I keep going back and forth unable to decide. It’s a valid point. I’m just so afraid to open up too much only to have to walk away or one of us not wanting to do long distance. Maybe I should try putting effort into my appearance and sitting alone at a cafe/bar because there is a fatigue with dating apps. I was dating December 2023-Feb 2024 using 1 app and was exhausted so if anything I don’t think that app is working out

I’m the same way unfortunately. I get emotionally attached and invested. I know many have said it is a good thing to be pure and trusting in romance, rather than jaded and give up, but I keep getting hurt by those who are not meant to be and feel like time goes by so fast. Sometimes I think it would be nice to not feel as much and be able to have a not so serious traditional long term relationship especially with these upcoming circumstances.