Excerpt from this blisteringly hilarious piece:
Take pleasure in this team, although the Wednesday night season opener in Indianapolis — when the Wizards demonstrated that defense will continue to be optional in Coach Wes Unseld’s third year — was neither remarkable nor spirited. And be entertained by this team that lost 143-120 to the Indiana Pacers. The 143 points were the most an NBA team has scored in a season opener in 33 years — oof. Oh, wait. That’s not the right word. More like wooo! Because in Washington’s new vocabulary, a performance like this should be considered great fun.
One game into this season, and it’s clear that Wizards fans should brace for a redefinition of that word. Better yet, understand that you can’t spell “laughs,” “lighthearted,” “levity” or “lark” without also dropping a bunch of Ls.
We all know what’s happening here, and we’re cool with it, right? This franchise has been so flavorless for so long, like a cup of lukewarm decaf every morning, that the new leadership team had to raze the old system in a matter of months. So they willingly lost the trade when dealing away the team’s former best player (Bradley Beal). They took back a volume shooter (Jordan Poole), some other dudes and a stash of second rounders. They drafted young and international, and then they began to craft a narrative that a brighter future is coming, but way, way, way down the road. And that’s fine.
“The goals will be less driven by winning and outcomes and more about style of play, competitiveness,” General Manager Will Dawkins has said, “how you’re evolving the game moving forward and guys getting better.”
But also, they’ve tried to sell this team as “fun” — which, if we amend what “fun” means, then yeah sure, this team is a hoot and a half.
“I think that we’re going to be a very fun team to watch,” team president Michael Winger told Monumental Sports Network during a pregame interview, “and it will be an easy team to get behind.”
And also, an easy team for opponents to get behind — and score on. Ba-dum-bump ching! The jokes write themselves, thanks to how Washington played in Game No. 1. As long as Wizards fans develop the same allergic reaction to defense — and dive into the deep waters of this tank job — then “fun” will look like Poole and veteran Danilo Gallinari running a pick-and-roll, Poole whipping a wraparound pass to Gallinari for a nice finish and then, somehow, the Wizards allowing the opponent’s center to beat every single body down the floor for a dunk and three-point play.
I’m not sure what will be more insufferable about the season:
(a) the fact that we will be watching primarily losing basketball
(b) the fact that every single pundit who begged for a tank job is going to poke and prod the team, finally realizing that tanking is not an enjoyable experience and isn’t meant to be and has never been an enjoyable experience for any fan base