I know I’m not alone, but I’m having a tough time figuring out if I’ve just made a massive mistake abandoning my UK graduate route visa. I’m initially from California and did my undergrad in England 2016-2019, wanted to stay for work after but this was before the graduate route and I couldn’t secure a visa to stay, so I moved back to California. Moved up to SF and got a job but then within 4 months the pandemic hit. I was finally getting settled into the city but suddenly lived in isolation, couldn’t explore SF fully, and became fairly miserable so I moved back home with my mom in SoCal. Decided I’d do a master’s when the lockdowns were less strict and move to London, so I started saving up and was ready to move by autumn 2021.

Moved to London and had a great time at first but quickly realised my course wasn’t what I was hoping it would be. I stayed enrolled to be able to keep my visa but had a pretty terrible year overall. I found that people were constantly Othering me for being mixed race, everyone seemed so rude and cold, dating was miserable, and by the time I graduated I kept wondering if I should stay there. When I visited home for Christmas I was crying constantly, not sure if I wanted to be so far from my family and cat and struggling in the winters over there. Still, I stayed, got a decent job in Soho, and told myself I’d settle. But within a few months I was so sick of isolating myself and the long dark winters and the people constantly complaining that I impulsively moved back to California from London.

As soon as I got back I felt that I made a mistake and decided I’d stay for a few months in California and then try to move with my cat back to the UK, just not London, since none of my friends are in my hometown. I did all the planning, packed my bags, and the day before my flight I had a prolonged panic attack. I just couldn’t bring myself to want to go back, to get on the plane, to take my cat, to find a flat and job not knowing if I’d be able to secure sponsorship. I have my graduate route until Feb 2025, but I left the country only 3 months after getting it. It feels like such a waste for me to have paid all the money and focus so much on getting that visa only for me to let my anxiety get to me. Has anyone else been in a similar boat? Have people (mixed/poc specifically because I have noticed that white people are more readily welcomed over there) moved to the UK and essentially been put off by the people and attitude and culture? because I feel insane seeing all these expats talking about how amazing London is.

I’m really struggling seeing myself staying in the US long term but I also haven’t given it a shot since moving back. I haven’t tried to get a job or move somewhere else (because I wasn’t planning on staying, not to be lazy) and it feels backwards for wanting to move back to the US after putting all this effort to live somewhere else. I loved the UK for nature and its public transport, and miss the walkability a lot being back in the States. I’m already considering getting a WHV in NZ before I turn 30 to try somewhere else out but is it really that bad in the States? Is it crazy to give up living abroad just to move back home?

Sorry this is so long, it’s been weighing on me all week since I canceled my flight back