Long story short, I was guilt tripped for 3 years into coming home. I think the reason is that I’m from a small family.
Anyways, when I finally caved in and said I’m coming back to stay with family for a while, they complained so much about putting me up and just made me feel as if I was begging. When I told them that I had spent loads of money on plane tickets and even took unpaid leave from work, they told me ‘it’s not all about you’
My mum asked my brother behind my back whether I was giving him any money for the 15 minute lifts he offered to give me in his car, and when I confronted her about it, she said ‘we all have our own lives and problems to deal with’ in a really pissed off tone.
It feels that even after flying to the other side of the world to see them, they want me to go the extra mile rather than just supporting me when I’m on their side. Asking for support seems like an insult to them.
I dunno, it was just a really unpleasant experience and I feel that they’re telling me to come back whilst pushing me away. I feel that although my family say that my move abroad made them depressed, upset etc, they’re unwilling to put in the support to have me here.
I’m happy in my new country and didn’t even really want to go back. I went back for them only, but it’s like they’re expecting me to pay for literally everything and then just complain when I ask one of them to lift a finger to help.
MY QUESTION: Would you go home for a family who ‘misses and loves you’ and ‘felt depressed when you left’ even if you had to pay for basically everything and have barely any support from them? Is it really our responsibility to go home, or should we just continue our lives without looking back?
Consider it a preview of what will happen every time you come back in the future, and the last nail in the coffin of calling that place your home. I’d change your mindset and see it as a “farewell” trip.
Closure and peace of mind are rare gifts that few every truly get- maybe you have achieved this now. Only you can decide how much your guilt and sense of obligation weighs on you.
If your family - or anyone - is warm, respectful, supportive and friendly towards you, you owe them at least common courtesy, and hopefully by responding in kind the bonds of affection will grow.
If they’re manipulative, talking about you behind your back, laying on guilt or making unreasonable demands you do NOT owe it to them - even family, even a spouse - to be a victim.
You deserve to be treated respectfully simply because you’re a human being. As a family member one would hope that you’d be treated with more than the baseline level of compassion. If they’re not capable of that, you have no obligation to do anything more than what you want or are willing to do.