I’ve been sensing a lot of doom and gloom around here lately. I guess a zero and four start to the NBA season has people in their feelings. I’m here to tell you it is okay! Sure we aren’t off to a great start, but The Grizzlies are actually in a better spot than every other team in the league right now. Here’s why:

Atlanta Hawks:

The Two and Two Hawks are off to a shaky start. Sure, they beat the Bucks thanks to an all time stinker of a performance from Dame, they have also lost to the Hornets! It looks like the Hawks will be doomed to mediocrity this year with Trae Young dragging them to the play-in. This bodes poorly for a time missing a lot of future firsts! With their first round pick this year still in their possession, they will need to blow up the team quickly to secure a young guard to build around.

Boston Celtics

The Celtics are off to a 4-0 start, but we all know this won’t last. Sooner or later, they WILL lose a game, and if you don’t win every single game you play, is there really a point playing at all? The Knicks and Heat are push overs in the regular season, and the Wizards? Well, a team led by Jordan Poole and Kyle Kuzma will struggle to beat anyone. The Celtics are likely to blunder their way into a top seed in the east, and then fall over spectacularly in the playoffs when they forget how to dribble, drive and hit lay-ups, all essential skills in basketball. Still, they have their picks. Then Jrue Holliday will retire and they’ll be back to square one. Now might be the time to blow it up and find a generational forward who can give you 30 a game to build around, before they squander another pick.

Brooklyn Nets

The Nets have once again failed to go 0-82, foolishly beating the Hornets. They’re on track to win only 33% of their games. Given they owe their pick this year, and will be getting a measley first round pick from the super team suns, they’re missing the draft capital to rebuild this disastrous roster. It looks like it is time to deal Mikal Bridges (I hear he is worth at least three firsts!) and rebuild.

Charlotte Hornets

Good god what is happening in Charlotte?

Chicago Bulls

The vultures are circling the bulls. Caw Caruso Caw! They say, with surprisingly raven like voices. Caw LaVine would be good on the knicks Caw! Another middling start for a middling team that has underperformed expectations time and time again. Sure they beat the raptors, but they followed it up with a loss to the pistons. For the sanity of all fans involved. It is time to trade them. Start a fresh. Develop Lauri properly next time.

Cleveland Cavaliers

The Cavs have fallen off a cliff since they were embarrassed by the Knicks in the playoffs. Winning a mere 25% of their games this season. With Donovan Mitchell looking around for the exit and their star Darius Garland sidelined with a knee injury, along with Jarrett Allen who is left on the Cavs to lead them? Emoni Bates and Tristan Thompson? Time to hand the keys to Mobley and rebuild.

Dallas Mavericks

Dallas and Luka are off to a 4-0 start. You know who else got off to a 4-0 start? Hitler, probably. Is Luka Hitler? You be the judge, but I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be compared to Hitler.

Denver Nuggets

Awoo

Detroit Pistons

Cade will need more help than a guy who tried to fight LeBron, Mr Double Jump, the worst player in the NBA, and budget Ja if they stand a chance of making the play-in. With four long years at the bottom of the east, and no light at the end of the tunnel, Piston fans will be asking themselves, “how much worse can this get?” There hopes now rest entirely on those dastardly little ping pong balls.

Golden State Warriors

The Oakland Retirement village is one influenza outbreak away from starting Brandin Podziemski (who?), Lester Quinones (the one and only), and Jerome Robinson (yes! That Jerome Robinson).

Houston Rockets

The Rockets have lost every game this year and don’t look like ever winning. With (I’m sorry HOW MUCH?!) still owed to Fred Van Vleet, and the development of their young draft picks stalling, looks like it is time to blow it up and build around Şengün before he turns 22 and can’t be included in ‘best young core under 22’ lists.

Oh fuck they beat the hornets.

Indiana Pacers

After getting off to a blistering two wins in a row, they have fallen off a cliff, losing EVERY. SINGLE. GAME. THEY HAVE EVER PLAYED. SINCE THEN. Reggie Miller must be rolling in his grave to see the once mighty pacers who inexplicably still have Myles Turner, languishing so much.

Los Angeles Clippers

Well well well. How the turntables. After years of disappointment, the Clippers have bet their second farm on James Harden, who has just antiworked his away out of three teams, helping them overcome their mortal enemy: injuries. Maybe Harden knows a good doctor?

Los Angeles Lakers

It seems father time has finally caught up to the Laker’s aging star Austin Reaves. The 35 year old is two steps slow, and the lakers are feeling it. The only question that remains? How long will Anthony Davis last before his body gives out once more. If I were them, I’d be looking to trade their allstar forward James, and rebuild.

Memphis Grizzlies

With picks a plenty, two former defensive players of the year under 30, and an all-star backcourt, everything is going right for the Memphis Grizzlies. Just five games back from the 1st seed, with 73 games left in the season, playoff experience, and a wide open western conference, the Grizzlies are primed and ready for a deep playoff run.

Miami Heat

The worst team in the worst conference in the NBA. You know what that means? They’re the worst team in the NBA. Science. With a 34 year old Jimmy looking 34, and their best player Tyler Herro, being little more than trade bait for whichever star the Heat don’t want to go all in on, it seems Heat culture may be flickering out.

Milwaukee Bucks

We’ve had a taste of the ‘walking top 5 offence’ the Bucks just traded for, and so far, it seems it is less filet mignon, and more carrot that’s been sitting at the back of your fridge way too long. How many more triple singles will we get from the All-NBA talent that set Miami on fire? Time will tell. (But its lots.) Somebody get Giannis some help.

Minnesota Timberwolves

Who woulda thought the Wolves’ best center would not be Kat, not be Gobert, but Naz Reid? Naz Reid perhaps. Too bad Kyle has lost his 3 ball again. It is nice while it lasts. I’d tell the wolves it is time to sell up and rebuild around Mr Edwards, but I forgot they gave away all their picks and Walker Kessler already. Hang in there boys.

New Orleans Pelicans

How come Ja gets banned for waving a gun around like a dumbass, but Zion doesn’t get banned for waving his dick around like a dumbass? Nothing further your honour.

New York Knicks

I don’t really think about the Knicks.

Oklahoma City Thunder

Shai, Chet, Giddey? Not exactly a lot of fire power. With only a few dozen picks, the thunder don’t have a way forward. Unless they’d like to develop young players and have assets to make a trade.

Orlando Magic

Every minute basketball terrorist Mo Wagner plays is a horror for the NBA.

Philadelphia Sixers

Gonna be honest, I think trading James Harden for some old, tired, power forwards, when you’ve got prime Embiid, isn’t ideal. Maybe Daryl knows what he’s doing. Maybe he sits on a throne of lies.

Phoenix Suns

The supposed ‘super team’ Phoenix Suns were supposed to be the team to beat this year. Instead, they’re the team beat, barely managing to win half their games, collapsing against the young spurs in embarrassing fashion. With high value assets such as Kevin Durant, Bradley Beal, and Devin Booker, it is time for the team to blow it up and get some value back before they limp to the play-in.

Portland Trail Blazers

Dame’s loyalty finally reached its limit. After many years of putting up with poorly constructed rosters, he finally asked to join a decent one. In his place? Looks like Scoot Henderson is a bust unfortunately, you can tell after 4 games. Brodgon is somehow 31. Robert Williams is barely playing. They’ve got grant still for some reason… Strange place Portland. Maybe they should make a show about how strange they are.

San Antonio Spurs

The spurs are led by their French prospect, with a high ceiling and a last name so overly complex I can’t spell it. With comparisons to Bol Bol made by some of the greatest to ever play the game, a broken three ball, it seems the young Frenchman has bust written all over him. The spurs just barely snuck past the rockets and suns, so they basically just suck, but that means look on track to be a play-in team, completely ruining their chances of drafting more French centres. They will need to blow it up now before their picks are worthless and they need to draft Amer*cans.

Toronto Raptors

See Chicago bulls. Raven noises.

Utah Jazz

The Jazz just spoiled a perfectly good tank job with a win against the Grizzlies. Now sitting at a 40% win loss record, that’ll be good for neither the playin, nor the lottery. A wasted season with a star not getting any younger. Yes I know nobody gets younger, shut it.

Washington Wizards

Covered elsewhere.