For better or worse. Small scale or large. Personal or shared. What is an event you’ve experienced that changed the way you act, live, feel, etc. It could be short-term or long. Share what you feel comfortable with. Triumphs and tragedies alike.
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It was during “outdoor school,” a week long thing you did in sixth grade (age 12) at my school. You stayed in these really cool cabins that were like 100 years old and spent the week learning about nature. It was fun. Very classic summer camp type of environment.
Also, other schools from the area did it at the same time, so there were a bunch of unfamiliar kids there. Two of the kids in my cabin were from another school, and they perfectly fit the stereotype of “edgy, bad 90s kid.” Super baggy JNCO jeans, spiked hair with a ton of gel, etc. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, watch any teen show from the 90s. They’re in it. Oh, and they said everything was lame. And gay. The cabins were gay, nature was gay, the camp was gay, your glasses were gay. You were definitely gay. That’s why you thought outdoor school was fun: because you were gay. The JNCO jeans kids were way too cool for outdoor school.
I should mention that I was a huge nerd. I mean, I still am, but I was, too. JNCO jeans kids were way cooler than me.
For the whole week, we kept hearing about “the night hike,” which was when you would go on a hike, by yourself, in the dark. The camp really played up the night hike, like it was going to be this big coming of age moment for us. You need to be responsible on The Night Hike. You need to stay sharp on The Night Hike. You’ll be a man after The Night Hike.
On the last day, it’s time for the night hike. Each cabin walked as a group up a hill. At the top, you would then walk back down a trail on the other side of the hill, one person at a time, waiting about a minute after the previous person had gone. I happened to be after the two JNCO jeans kids. (Yes, the night hike was gay.)
When it’s my turn to walk down, I realize that this much-hyped coming of age moment is going to be…no big deal whatsoever. The trail is a very gradual slope with a few turns. It’s paved, for Pete’s sake. You could even see the lights from the cabins after the second turn. And the moon was bright enough that I wouldn’t even need my flashlight. This pivotal moment wasn’t going to be pivotal at all.
After less than a minute, I heard someone on the trail in front of me say, “H-hey, who’s there?” It’s one of the JNCO jeans kids. He’s just kind of standing there on the trail. He didn’t get very far.
“Um, it’s Tucker, from the cabin,” I said.
“Oh, cool,” he replied. “Um, I guess you’re walking faster than me.” He said that like I had caught up to him, which I guess is easy to do when the other person is frozen. “Want to walk down together?” His tone was way different from what it had been the rest of the week.
“Sure,” I said.
I don’t remember what we talked about. Probably what school we went to and that kind of thing. The whole walk only took about five minutes total, so it’s not like we talked about much. But I remember thinking to myself, “The guy that talked tough this whole week…it’s because he wasn’t.”
So yeah, The Night Hike. Ended up learning a thing.
I had two interactions with the same type of realization as a kid.
One of them was the tough and sort of school bully, who one day during the days of yule preparation at school went up to me and tried to probe me on how difficult making candles was because it was gonna be his turn soon.
The second one is more similar to yours. Summer camp thing. One guy I was in the same class as in school was playing tough during the camp. Did not interact a lot with him then, just noticed it, like he did not need a teddy or stuff like the other kids brought. Then we are back at school, after camp, he is not back. I hear from somewhere that he got severly home sick during camp, and had a hard time processing it. Later he did show up to school again, with his mom dropping him off. It was horrible. She tried to leave and he just cried and screamed. I think they tried it a few times more, but he just sat in a corner crying. A year or so later I see him back at school again, retaking that year.
I’ve always laughed at how people can buy cool. This was a great story to read though. I’m not sure how dark it was outside, but the first time I ever entered relative outdoor darkness it was off-putting for me. Maybe that’s what happened. But it also shows how powerful the imagination can be, when the brain bin shuts down and adrenaline takes the reins.
My birth was a pretty big event that changed my life drastically. I wish it never happened…
Depression is a bitch. I hope you can find some reprieve in other pleasures than imagining not existing somewhere down the line. I have a friend who got shocks and is much happier since. If you have the resources, and many other things failed to help - you might want to look into ECT. But also, yet again - not a doctor. Just saying I saw it actually help someone who had a lot of trouble existing. But also, there are a thousand different constructive roads to take ahead of that point. GL!
Thanks for the info, I’ll keep this in mind. Also, I’m glad to hear your friend got better.
Yeah, no worries! I know it sounds freakin’ scary because it’s like they used to do it in nut houses and torture people with it. But it’s way different now than it used to be. They said it does cause memory issues. So I will warn that. But overall way happier, I think because it zaps out all the stuff that’s been holding you down. I mean - I’m no doctor and I am just reporting on what I heard. But I hadn’t ever even heard about it being used and when I looked into it I was surprised it is in fact a valid treatment for depression.
I’ll give you the incredibly brief version.
When I was seven my mom kidnapped me.
I managed to get a hold of my dad 6 years later, but nothing bad ever happened to her because of it.
Following that, my mom and stepdad essentially locked me in my room from the time I was 16 until I graduated high school about 2 months after I turned 17.
I was the valedictorian, a year ahead of my class. Kind of neat huh?
Only, my stepdad would occasionally come in and just attack me. I was punished for not doing enough school work by being forced out of my bed at 6:00 in the morning to go and dig up stumps in the backyard or to pick up a 40 to 120 lb Rock and carry it from one corner of the yard to the other corner of the yard where there was a pile of rocks, pick up a different rock out of that pile carry it to the third pile and then back and forth over and over and over until sundown.
Then I would come in, be fed, and then have to do more school work.
I lost all of my friends. I lost all of my self esteem. The day after I graduated, I left with my dad, who was not aware of this because my mom lied to him about it.
I was pretty wrecked and my dad didn’t know how to cope with that so he gave me a truck and sent me back after about 5 or 6 months, and not having anywhere else to go I moved back in with my mom.
Literally a month later my stepdad tried to pull some shit and told me if I didn’t go to work when they were leaving that I should pack up my stuff and not be there when they get back, so I packed up my stuff end of the truck my dad gave me and left.
I was homeless for about 2 years couch surfing with friends and trying to get my shit together and I was reaching out to God for help.
And on the first real date of my life I went out with this girl, we saw a movie, we got high we came back to my room at my friend’s house and had sex.
And it was not very good all the way around, but then after I took her home and dropped her off it was like the scales fell off of my eyes, a bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck me hard in the heart, and I became aware of all of the sins I had committed in my life. All of my failings. All the things that were wrong with me.
And I was so broken I couldn’t even cry, honestly I may have actually cried once or twice since then.
I was devastated.
And it’s like, all the things that I thought I would be when I grew up went away. I could deal with the shit my mom and my stepdad pulled and I could deal with not being understood because I had a destiny and I had a dream and I was going to make it, and then I found out I was just a piece of shit, a crappy worthless human being whom, if I had never been born, the world would be a better place.
And there’s a lot I’m leaving out but yeah, from that I started trying to rehabilitate myself. I’ve gone from being a worthless piece of shit to being useful fertilizer I guess.
I still have a long way to go and I don’t know if I’ll make it.
Isn’t it fucked up how much life can crush you when you have absolutely zero agency you can flex. Have you heard about Open Path yet? Cause you can give it a look and see if you vibe with anyone. You might be able to find someone that can assist you on your journey of healing. There’s also some kind of really solid freebie group therapy system online. But I absolutely do not have the name. Someone else might. It’s like a series of groups you can grow including domestic violence and complex ptsd. The only thing I want to say is be careful around substances, because it’s really easy to fall into them but you never fall out even if you step back from them. And the way street drugs are nowadays you’re never getting what you think you are. Also, I don’t know what gender or age you are specifically - but I do know that a lot of young hurt men can be at higher risk for self harm. So if you notice anything creeping into your system, try your best to reach out for help. Even if you don’t say it, just crowd your time with others and it’ll pass. Either way, what I did with the things I strongly disagreed with between my folks was I just attempted (and still do) to do the opposite of the thing I disliked. Step-parents can be real pieces of shit, because what skin do they have in the game? At least, if they don’t want to. You’re just free-labor. I watched my younger sibling become that to a certain someone in my life, and to this day I don’t know how a grown ass adult can be so stupid to lord over a kid like that.
Just try and stay strong, utilize any services you can - no shame. Break down big goals into smaller achievable actions. And if you are disabled in any sort of way, know there’s also services that can assist you through getting…assistance =P! Also no shame in temp agencies, if you have the means to get around. Lastly, all things can be replaced or live on in your head. But you cannot be replaced. So no matter what you lose, it’s all just stuff. I’ve lost so much crap over the span of my life. I don’t care anymore. I pack light, live light - and actually feel wealthier for it - because I can move at the drop of a dime if I want and I don’t feel bogged down by THINGS! Which is a blessing in these modern times. Sometimes I get sad about some of the things I’ve lost. But I made a conscious decision to keep a small assembly of things that are meaningful to me that I can slide into a backpack and don’t take up too much space. And you might want to put something together like that too. Because it’s really nice to go back and see decades of stuff from people I love who may or may not exist anymore or little magpie things from events.
Oh, one last thing. Backsliding hurts, but as long as you keep going you can make it through. But also make sure you do nice things to restore your energy cause it fucking sucks to get dragged for so long only to get dragged again. It makes you want to give up and sink. But it’s worth the fight, trust. And if you’re younger than thirty - things get so much better in your thirties. Idk? Because I sure as shit am not in that much a different space than in my twenties. But I for sure feel better as a whole. Even though my body is in a constant battle to crush me. Which, btw - please address your pain as best as you can because this shit will kill you one way or another and I don’t think I would ever be as sick as I was had I not been picking up stress without putting other bits down. So GL, GJ - You got this! Keep going!
*p.s. - Moms don’t get in trouble for kidnapping I don’t think. But also I heard that most amber alerts are due to a parent kidnapping their own kid most times. But all kidnapping situations are totally shit - and I wish they didn’t exist on the real.
@bizarroland @cashmaggot Hey, I don’t know what this will mean to you coming from a complete stranger. You’ve clearly never had a mom, though, or a dad, so let me share with you what they never did.
You are not your past. You are not your things. You are not your circumstances. The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.
Those experiences don’t have to define you. No one else is allowed to tell you what your worth is or who you’ll be. The person you were yesterday is dead, and the person you are tomorrow doesn’t exist. There is only today, there is only ever today. So somewhere inside of you, I want you to think really hard about who that person is, who you are. If you don’t like what you see, that’s okay. I think we’ve all been there. What’s important is that you decide what matters to you, what your values are, what your worth is, who you’re going to be, and then you live it. It takes time and practice, but what doesn’t? Who was born knowing how to ride a bike, or swim, or count to a million, or anything else? Just work on it, every single day, and you’ll make it.
Big love, you love bug <3!!!
I ended up restoring my relationship with one of my parents, which has been nice because I’m a goober and I love a good phone call. And while I’ve put a buhjillion miles between my birthplace and my current spot - I do like talking with those I reconnected with. But also, my partner lacks a family. Which makes us substantially weaker as a whole against the support network of others. Which is rough, to be honest. But she always says we’re like monkeys helping one another up the tree. And to be perfectly honest I love her to death, even if she drives me batty-bonkers.
I agree with you though. Although I will say I am a heavy reminiscer, and have battled this mental math of existence only being this moment (be here now). But I sometimes think of it as a super power, because I can recall things that most forget and can give play by plays. And while I know memories can be faulty, I like that there’s some part of my brain that likes to record things. Because it makes for great fodder for better or worse with creative endeavors =P!
Big hugs, big love! Keep sharing the good stuff and keeping people afloat!
Living through the AIDS epidemic. Watching our government in the US just ignore it like it wasn’t happening. Listening to all the misinformation because no one really knew what it was. Losing so many friends because people had no idea they had it and there was no help. And when the US government (fuck you reagan) finally did step up (only because Rock Hudson was a dear friend of his), did we actually get any help for people.
And then… in 2020 Covid happened, and another GOP idiot claimed nothing was wrong, even though the whole planet was shutting down. And it would just go away, “It’s going to disappear. One day, it’s like a miracle, it will disappear.” We need adults in government. Not these people trying to make wearing a mask, in 2024, illegal.
I learned that republicans would rather let you die before helping anyone. And we as citizens need to shove back really hard if we want to live in an amazing country that cares for it’s residents, not just the ones with money either.
Ah jeez, I missed this one. And I was just talking the other day how important it is that folks like you tell your story. I am not sure if you are an ally, a sister, a mister, or someone in between but hearing stories from the epidemic are just heart breaking. I was told nobody wanted to be around the sick, and that it was up to the community to bury their own. Because when it was found out about their lifestyle that they would be disowned by their families. A lovely man told me the worst week was three burials at once. And that everyone was terrified because nobody knew exactly what was going on, but that it was spreading like wildfire through out the community. But also when I thnk about the way we had to hide, and I mean HIDE at the time. Like there was almost nowhere to go to even get a chance to be yourself. Breaks my heart.
Also Republican politicians are swine. And some Republicans are fuck-scums. But I think there are a portion of them that are people who have been brain-drained by the politicians and are actually just scared and messed up. I talked with someone her about this the other day though. The idea of diversifying say…taxes. I am not sure how it will go, because the rich will just leave. In that sense, doesn’t the money go with them?
I am not sure what the proper solution is ultimately, but I do know the whole system is fucked.
I’m gunna go gay it up with my gal, gay it up so hard - just to put a little Pride into the air =)
When I was in my 20’s, I always gave 200% at the jobs I worked at. I was young and naive and believed I would eventually be rewarded for all the hard work I put in, even on weekends and night shifts.
Then I got burnout, because I was working at a pace my body just couldn’t sustain anymore.
It changed my life drastically. I learned to value my health and free time and to prioritize that over the needs of my employer. I learned that hard work doesn’t neccessarily bring you any benefits, it mostly benefits your employer. I also learned that nobody cares when your health is fucked up - for your employer, you’re just a cog in the machine that can be replaced.
Nowadays I only work four days a week and I don’t give a shit about what happens on Fridays anymore. Server is down? Not my problem, get someone else to fix it.
I also learned to stand up for myself. I’m not getting paid like a monkey anymore and if you promise me a raise and then pretend like that never happened afterwards, you’ll have my resignation on your desk, printed out by the company printer right in front of you.
A masterclass in being human =)
So my dad had a friend that was so close we called him uncle. Im guessing in most cases and sure in my dads case it was basically his best friend. So he was single and my dad was married raising seven kids. He would stop by with beers out of the blue and he always also picked up some soda or something for the kids. The fact he made it a point to think of us I think impacted us a lot in terms of how important simple kindness can be. So that is the first part. He died while I was in a PhD program and honestly it was not the only reason I left the program but it helped give a good nudge (since my grades suffered for one thing) and actually it let me re-evaluate and realize I did not really want to put in the level of effort needed versus the rewards I would reap in research.
I hope you found the road you want to actually be on. Sudden deaths (I am going to guess 50s?) freakin’ suck. And I have a couple of people I love who have suffered through either older siblings or fathers going at that age either due to medical complications or heart attacks. And they’re all kinds of ugly, because it’s just like…I mean I know they always say “it’s too soon” when they point at people in their 20s and younger. But really - even 50s and under are too soon. Because they’re here one day, and then they aren’t. And it just feels like there’s this hole that your mind cannot wrangle, and a pain your heart cannot take. I feel so hard for people who lose people too soon. It’s lovely that you share his bigness though, still. And it’s beautiful, the way kindness is contagious. One time I was on a train with my ex, and a blind guy came bussing through. Scam or not, when a dollar entered the pot - more and more came. And it showed me how people are willing to give, but their hearts need to be guided. Your uncle (and he was most def your uncle ;P!) showed you that, and it’s big! So many people discredit kids, I grew up with better seen not heard. But I mean, in general - you can see kids being discredited right now just look around. It’s big he taught you to look after the whole lot. And he for sure loved you guys to death. Big healing, big love - tons of aloha.
unrelated but one place I worked were funnding ran out and a few positions were cut including me and the accoutant. He was at this wierd age of upper fifties and did just well enough that he could retire but it would be tight. He looked for another job at the institution and basically retired when he could not find one. I swear it was less than a year later but maybe it was a bit more. He was jogging and just dropped dead of a heart attack. It was so surreal and wierd. His office was right next to mine and we would each lunch together all the time along with some other folks.
Heard a thing about how feeling unwanted by society kills.
Learned that the people I thought were my friends… weren’t. Set off an awful chain of events that cost me my dreams.
I feel like don’t know how to make friends anymore, and I don’t know how to trust people.
This is tmi, and fucked up - but I have ptsd from a shooting and have trouble with stuff like…loud bass and sudden bangs still. But right after it happened, I couldn’t trust a fucking soul. Cause I was all sorts of messed up in the head, and I am so thankful for those that pulled me out. One being my therapist, who I found on Open Path. But either way, in time I realized that I didn’t even know how to trust myself anymore because I was so fucked up. And when I worked on that, I felt like I could trust others again…to a point. Never like I used to. Because I straight used to be pure heart on my sleeve. But I did get back to being able to trust as a whole, and that helped with a lot of other things. While I am not 100% better, and might never be (idk, I just take it one day at a time) - I am like way better than I was when I was in the thick of it all.
Also it sucks you feel like you lost your dreams. But perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate what that is, if it’s worth pursuing or if it’s something worth laying down. Because sometimes some stuff is straight up a situation of place and time and whether we like it or not - it’s just worth letting go of it otherwise it drives us crazy. You sound like a realist - how you type. But also clearly a dreamer (cause you wouldn’t have dreams if you weren’t). So maybe figure out a way to combine the two to reconnect yourself to happiness.
As for finding friends? Eh, I used to be able to make them pretty easily. Some fall off, some don’t. An ex told me she was once told by a person who is no longer with us (cancer) that people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I recently had to come to terms with pretty much losing my best friend. Who I grew up with, and have walked through so much life with. But he’s on a different path than me, and we’ve just split at the seams. And there’s only so much reaching out you can do, before it’s just something you let go. It hurt, but I think ultimately it is what it is. Still makes me sad, but what can I do about it? There was no dramatic fight, or event or anything. He just sort of drifted off. And it is what it is.
I have heard volunteering can connect you to new folks. Back when I did (I’m focusing on my health right now so that door is closed for me) I will say that I met some cool folks but I didn’t really make any deep connections so I’m not sure if that’s 100% true. I do know that friends you can make online can become something far deeper. As I used to run a forum, and still stay connected to a handful of folks I met there. So perhaps that’d be the best place to start. Because it’s low-commitment and high-gain if you hit it off with someone. Focus on things you enjoy and branch off from there. GL, and never forget to love yourself. Because that helps all the rest of the pieces fall together.
This story concerns war and death, if you want to avoid those kinds of things.
I was 18 years old. I was an Infantryman in the US Army and had been in Afghanistan for a few months, when my platoon responded to an IED strike on another platoon in my company, while they were doing a dismounted patrol.
A guy riding a donkey laden with explosives made his way to the center of their staggered column formation (effectively two spaced out lines on opposite sides of the street), before detonating the explosives. It was particularly effective, because walls on either side forced the column in tighter than normal.
This point begins my memories, which are mostly a disjointed collection of visual snapshots.
The first thing I remember is the smell, which I can’t accurately describe, but burned meat, chemicals, and some kind of feces is the closest I can get. It is easily the clearest part of the memory.
The next thing I remember is seeing the severed foot of the man responsible laying in the middle of the road and my immediate and overwhelming impulse was to kick it, since it was the only tangible evidence of a ‘responsible’ party. There were also two generally recognizable bodies in the ditch, as well as several casualties receiving medical care.
From this point it is a series of vignettes. One, I was setting down my radio pack and very clearly telling the lieutenant where it was, since the medics needed extra hands. Another is seeing one of the casualties smoking a cigarette. The last, and clearest visual memory was holding the hand of one of the casualties as we waited for the medevac bird, and trying to keep the mood light be telling him “hey, at least you don’t have to walk back to base”. I have no clue if he responded.
I have absolutely no memories following that day, for probably months, until another, somewhat less traumatic situation took place.
But yeah, that is the day that pretty much all of my emotions died. On my wedding day, I felt just a flicker of happiness. The only emotion I feel with any intensity whatsoever is occasionally anger.
That’s about all, I’m willing to answer questions of anyone is curious.
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Hotdogs are deadly weapons in the hands of those not-prepared. I have def chucked a dog or two. No worries, shitting your pants is embarrassing but you more than likely did it because you were sick. And bodies dgaf about social scenarios if they’re unwell.
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What is that thing called? The Call of the Void? You just answered it. Hahaha! You know, at the end of the day, at least your weekends were free? I still vote you were sick though. Could even have been anxiety. Hope you’ve given yourself some space and tlc over it.
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Hahaha, that’s awesome =) Way healthy response to a shitty situation =P
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One thing I could mention that was crazy was right after Trump had been elected. I went to the Women’s March in Chicago and all kinds showed up. But the crowd that had gathered was more than could be handled, so they shut it down. But then everyone started marching anyways. And we all went in this large square, ending at the Trump Tower. There were so many signs, and even though I had a really basic phone (like actual dumb phone) I pulled off some pictures that I still look back at them in awe. One of the sillier things that happened there were these two white chicks were dancing together on top of trash cans singing negro spirituals and myself and these two black chicks in front of me who were slipping through the crowd all laughed our asses off. Towards the end, my friends and I split and I hopped up into The Cultural Center and looked outwards at the dispersing crowd. And I took a video on my fantastically dumb phone, and it captured so perfectly the chaos of the event paired with the beauty of that city. But it was also so surreal in some way, as I was the only one around at the time. Not even the guards were there. And it was so silent. And I sat in a room filled with quilts, and stared out at the city I loved and felt so much pride for the people who came together to try and show the world that they don’t buy Trump’s bullshit.
I mean also not to brag, but we scared his ass off when he came through =P! So yeah, it was all really nice to see. And it was completely non-violent. Which I also like, because as protests went on things got grottier and grottier until whole cities were total chaos pits. But it was a nice thing to experience.
President Trump. Lost my fucking religion at that point.
Someone cracking their skull on a concrete floor soaked in hydraulic oil
No thank you! Ugh.
Blue collar accidents are unbelievably horrible because they show you the limitations of our fleshy bodies against pretty much any other element.
Well i have survived about a dozen such trips and slips just in the last couple years with only a few light bruises to show for em. Concrete definitely has no give so you gotta learn to fall so that the impact is minimized. I have done that for the most part.
Hahaha, my partner skates concrete and it is absolutely the most insane material to skate on. Although I suppose it was the only material for the longest. But there’s others that she vouches don’t hurt as much (as long as you’re not falling straight down). But I knew a guy who got the skin ripped off his hand and was insanely lucky for having a tool belt on because he got someone’s attention and they stopped the machine that was pulling him in.
Very fortunate
Seeing my first overdose and subsequent passing. I was 3 days into being homeless. It sadly got easier seeing it happen more and more often. At the time I knew it wasn’t something good, obviously, but I didn’t really react until much later. Out of all the horrible times I’ve ever gone through… that image of what a human body does as it’s dying… @#£&. It’s not good.
Know someone who died three times. They’re stone sober now, but it truly is awful. I mean in general. It’s all freakin’ awful. I was trying to think about solutions for those in active addiction. We can’t keep treating people like stray dogs. It’s absolutely horrible, especially for those who can’t hold their own (I am thinking here heavily on gender, but I know there’s other layers because the game is hard in the streets and you get absolutely wrecked being soft). I hope you’re in a better place now. And you’re able to maintain your addiction in some sort of way. There’s support groups out there just waiting for your stories. I personally think they’re safer over the phone, because it’s my take that certain people prey on others. As a friend of mine went to rehab and came out doing worse than going in. But all things aside, just glad you’re still here. Keep the peace!
I’m not addicted to anything nor was I.
Apologies - I read that as - you saw an OD and then three days later ODED yourself. Because often - when you’re in an area that people are ODing - you yourself are at a higher risk of it too. But yeah, I went back and saw how I read what I read - but also see what you’re saying and it’s solid that you were on the streets but never got addicted to anything because it’s super easy. And it really takes some solid conviction to keep yourself safe in a space where you’re vulnerable on all sides. I hope you’re in a better place now, regardless.
Aye, I didn’t mean to sound cross on my response to your post. Thanks for clarifying and I apologize for being, at the very least, short with the response I gave you. I appreciate it and yes, I’m definitely stabilized with housing now. 🤟
F YEAH! It’s getting from that shaky part to the stable one that’s the hardest. No worries, look I don’t know your life you know? You’ve clearly been through some shit, and it can get people super dee-duper defensive super fast. Cause I know I sure as hell am reactive. But also, you know - I read it wrong and this is al text. You good! Thank you for the apology though, I apologize too - cause I def made some assumptions. Big love <3~!
Thank you so much 🤙
Right back at you sis 🤙~
Reading the manga she likes homos not me. It’s about this gay highschool student who wants to live a “normal” life so he hides his sexuality from his family and friends. The manga was absolutely heartbreaking and it was my first encounter with the shit people go through for being different and it made me realize that gay people are just people too, which should be obvious but I’m from a country where homophobia is normalized and even encouraged. I started thinking more after that and I guess that’s when it clicked to me really that everybody deserves love.
Yeah, it’s mad crazy how normalized homophobia is in a lot of cultures. I once saw some well of folks complaining that we don’t need Pride anymore. And while they were having fun stroking each other’s egos they seemed to have missed the mark that there are people losing their lives and homes over this stuff to this day. So eh. But it’s beauitufl, those moments when you see people are people are people.
I would say the pandemic, but for the better, let me explain: What happened is that several things came together at that time: my first (and at the moment my last) breakup, failing almost all the subjects of the two universities I attended at the same time, the stress of attending two universities at the same time, and then the pandemic happened.
I had literally broken down as a person, as a human being. I needed help and I sought it wherever I could. I was never very close to Christianity like my family, so I couldn’t find answers there, but I did have some interest in Buddhism, so I took advantage of the lull in the world because of the pandemic to read about it, and that helped me a lot. I didn’t convert to Buddhism or anything, but I was able to assimilate some of its teachings into my way of seeing the world and allow myself to heal. I began to accept myself, to forgive my mistakes, to stop seeing myself as a failure and a burden to my family. When I found the limits of what I could accomplish on my own to continue healing, I sought professional psychological help, something that was unthinkable for me before. I started medication and have been feeling much better ever since.
I can now say with complete confidence that I like the person I am now, I am more confident in my abilities and I am more optimistic about my future. I think if I had continued with my pre-pandemic pace of life I would have collapsed, maybe not even still be alive.
I believe that from time to time one needs to stop for a moment, step out of the mad tide of the world and allow oneself to heal so as not to succumb.
a) I love this very much and b) if you ever wanna meditate together I’m down =)
