Hi all. As some of you may be aware, the sub has literally grown by a factor of 20 since the draft, and is almost entirely comprised by new bandwagoners. Some of these users have been part of the subreddit for six or seven years, which seems counterintuitive, but I’ve determined that they’re also part of the bandwagon that just joined. So keeping all of this in mind, I’ve decided to create a post to help these users navigate this lovely subreddit. I’d like to share some rules and realities that I’ve unilaterally formulated based on my experience in this subreddit. Please follow these to a T when it is relevant to do so.

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1. You are likely a bandwagon fan. It’s a little bit strange but I quite literally have not seen a single post regarding this influx of new Spurs fans, so I thought I’d leave this insightful and constructive comment in the hopes of educating you all. I’ve been a fan of the Spurs since 1967, when they were known as the Chaparrals. I bet a lot of you dummies didn’t even know this fact, so you’re welcome sweaty. In any case, if you became a fan after this time when I did, I’m sorry to inform you that you’re not a real fan. Some of you may ask, “why do you primarily accuse people of being bandwagons when they happen to disagree with your stupid opinions?” And to that I would say, real Spurs fans like me do not have “opinions.” We only deal in hard facts that any respectable coach, player, or analyst would agree with. Finally, if you even pretend to be a real fan, I’ll make a long and detailed comment deriding you personally until you agree to change (I have no life so this will be no problem for me). The barrage of shit I will rain down on you will only be furthered if you dare mention your enjoyment in watching Wemby play. Since I am a real fan, I’m allowed to express my excitement. But anyone that makes statements like “I wish Wemby had more touches” after a game in which Wemby did not have many touches, for example, needs to be called out and persecuted for being the bandwagon that they are. And then I’ll make a hilarious and completely sensical meme to really cement my stance,
2. This is a place for negativity, not basketball discussion. I’d hope that it’s already clear to anyone that has been subscribed here, but please keep legitimate basketball to a minimum. You are encouraged to use this subreddit not as a vehicle to discuss the Xs and Os, but as a diary to express the underlying rage you hold day to day in your life. The only exception to the latter statement is if you express dissent toward this negative mentality; if you have the frickin’ audacity to ask people not to complain 24/7 about plain wrong and irrelevant shit, I will report your heinie to the mods immediately.
3. We HATE a lot of people. Like any emotionally mature person, I and many others here keep a running list of everyone we hate, and will express that hate whenever possible. For starters, the basic targets for our hate are these teams and anyone associated with them. If you were to design a “hate pyramid” (which I’ve done, PM me for the link), this list would just be the foundation. For this level of the pyramid, my recommended course of action is: go into r/NBA and pick fights with other users, ruminate on the pure evil of these teams for simply existing, and routinely make posts like “Fuck the Rockets” or “Fuck the Sons” (hilarious le Reddit pun, goddamn all you kind Redditors😂😂 ). These posts are best to post when the team is playing, because we wouldn’t want our collective focus to be wasted on positivity and actual basketball. If you’d like to move a little bit further up the pyramid, you can focus your hate onto specific individuals that have wronged us. For example, Rockets player Jabari Smith Jr. replied “📝” to a video showing Wemby’s excitement in not getting drafted by the Rockets. Some people might claim that this was innocuous and just a bit of banter, but they’re clearly not looking deep enough. If you’re lucky enough to be unaware, until about the 14th century, “📝” was used to demonstrate the deepest contempt possible for a person to hold, and was commonly known to be an inciting event for war. Therefore, Jabari Smith Jr. needs to be eternally held accountable for his statement every time we play the Rockets. I look forward to the many identical posts that will be made in the future at his expense.
4. Nobody ever talks about us. Literally. Like, so literally. Ever watch ESPN or follow NBA-related discussion on social media? If you do, you would understand the deep-seated hate I feel when someone doesn’t mention our Spurs when I feel it is necessary. People have explained to me a thousand times by now the reasons for this, such as our team being small-market and our play style being antithetical to the flashy highlights you see on social media, but I refuse to accept that. There has to be some deeper reason why we don’t get talked about constantly. This is likely a global conspiracy to keep us down, because everyone knows that the most effective way to stifle an NBA team is to give minimal coverage to that team on all the shitty 5 AM morning shows that are definitely not rage bait that most of us fall for. Instead of just accepting the situation as it is like a normal, non-psychopathic person would do, please bring it up at constantly. Maybe we could also send spam messages to esteemed media personalities like Stephen A. Smith and Nick Wright, begging them to give our team just a little bit of spotlight on their shows. Then all would be right with the world. I just can’t get over the fact that some people continue to deny that external validation for a sports team is not one of the most infuriating things ever.
5. Do NOT utter the name K***i, AKA Nephew, AAKA Kawho? (get it ??? LMFAOOOOO🤣🤣🤣) AAAKA No.2, AAAAKA Hitler (even though he is worse). Some of you may not remember this guy, as he is never talked about on this sub, but K***i used to play for the Spurs at some point. I don’t really remember when because I just watch highlights instead of games, but it was definitely recent. Like, 1-2 years recent. Because if it were any longer than that (like 1,931 days ago or some other random number), it would probably be a little bit inappropriate to hold a grudge over something that doesn’t directly affect our lives. Or at least that’s what I WOULD say if I was a big, dumb, IDIOT!!! In reality, I get physically ill when I hear his name, and enter into full-on convulsions when I see him play. I just can’t get over him leaving the team. I’ve experienced grief from losing most of my family & friends, I’ve been homeless three times now, and I had a TBI that damaged most of my brain. But none of that compares to KaCryBaby leaving our team. Although Pop, the players, and the generally important people in the FO seem amicable with him now, I seriously doubt their judgement on the matter. They may have known him personally and interacted with him on a daily basis for years, but there’s no way that compares to my authority on the matter. So all of that is to say, please do not utter his name in any way, shape, or form.
6. Don’t acknowledge the benefit of hindsight. If you for some reason have the desire to talk about anything other than drama, always remember to pretend like you knew all along what the correct FO moves were, and which players would develop well. For example, if there were a hypothetical scenario where a player committed a sexual act toward a female employee that necessitated his removal from the team, the correct thing to do would be to remark about how you said from the beginning that we shouldn’t have drafted said player, and that we should’ve drafted the Turkish player that ended up on the Rockets. Anyone with a brain could see that in this scenario, PATFO should’ve predicted that this player would be a sexual pest. Yet they still drafted him? Are they stupid or something? After all, all of the enlightened r/NBASpurs users like myself predicted that this would happen. It’s only a coincidence that all these claims were made after the player was cut. But if we conveniently ignore that, we can make the determination that we were right all along, and we can receive endless validation from the like-minded geniuses in this sub. And if someone has the nerve to question your oracle abilities, you can just claim that it was a talent issue; say that you predicted the Turkish player being the standout talent and entangle the pest’s failure from a drafting perspective with their talent level. Even though it’s provably incorrect to say “well I was right all along in wanting to draft the Turkish player,” you can rest assured knowing objectivity is the enemy of this sub.
7. PATFO and Spurs players are incapable of making mistakes. This is my last point, but perhaps the most important. One of the more pressing and problematic phenomenons on this sub is the fact that some people think it’s okay to provide constructive criticism. These same people do not realize that saying something like “I wish [insert player] didn’t shoot so much” is tantamount to a life-threatening attack on the player. Even if in this completely made-up and outlandish situation, the player that has had problems chucking it in the past goes 0/100 in the game, it is objectively wrong to be critical in any capacity or even observe that they didn’t make a shot. And if anyone has reservations about this, understand that constructive criticism does not add nuance or make for interesting discussions about basketball. It is only used to propagate the most sinister intentions. Lastly, this logic must also be applied to PATFO. You must say “trust PATFO you stupid meanie” if someone thinks the team would be more successful if they tweaked something specific, because it is not possible for PATFO to be wrong. The Spurs are the only perfect org in the league, and we shouldn’t even entertain the idea of anything being different. It’s not like that’s almost the entire point of sports discussion. When reading a dissenting idea, your intuition might lead you to go “hm… that’s actually a good idea. I’m going to take the idea for what it’s worth and not get defensive on the behalf of someone I don’t know, because in all likelihood that person would not take any of this personally.” But you cannot trust that intuition. Just do what I and anyone else who agrees with me says, and you’ll do just fine 😉

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If anyone made it to the end of this post, I’d like to thank you for reading. If you are in fact a newbie, please take these words to heart. You’ll never be truly welcomed here because you’re a dirty bandwagoner, but you’ll save yourself a lot of pain in the long run. And while conformity is great in and of itself, there’s the added bonus of making this place even more welcoming and friendly. And that’s something I didn’t think was possible.

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(I was inspired by many other users that have claimed this same thing, so here’s my final message. To anyone that disagrees, know this: this post had no intention behind it. I don’t know why you’d assume that, everyone knows that people do things for literally no reason sometimes. So, bye.)